What are you living for?

Gonna be a sob story. So move away if you want to. You are most welcome.

I remember my prayer yesterday - God i surrender everything to You. Use me as Your vessel even in the hospital... ...

Today I had to break the bad news to a patient that he had advanced cancer. He already suspected post the scan, because he noticed the radiologists were whispering amongst themselves. Then when the report came back late, he accused me of trying to hide his findings. He was adamant about going home TODAY, and din't wana wait another day so we could refer inpatient.

Turns out that he has a wife who is debilitated due to stroke, and a daughter busy working day and night. He was the main caretaker for the wife basically.

After all the huu-haa and the referrals that were unable to be made as the oncall people had their phones off, i sat next to the uncle and asked him how he was feeling,if he was ok.

And then the waterworks started..both his and mine. His more manly tears, barely rolling down his cheeks. He was visibly emotional,and 101 thoughts were running through his mind. Mine were the tears of a fellow human being,and it was as much ad I could do to keep my voice from breaking. I know the neighbouring bed and the other staff were staring and could see my eyes watery and me basically wiping away tears from my tear streaked, red face.

Later on I found out he shared the same faith and had the chance to pray for him. I din't know what to pray for..and in the end I prayed for peace and joy basically. I tried to remind the both of us that through the storm, God is sovereign.

And God is sovereign. When we don't understand the plan, we trust the Hand. Our bodies on earth expire, but in Him we have eternal life forever.

So what are we living for? I don't know about You, but I will live for Him.

And oh, watch what you pray for. He is listening. :)

A bunch of thoughts

A month later (wait, make that 2) and yes, I'm back with an emo post.

Ah! Life. Don't get me wrong...God has been really good and has blessed me so, so much. He blessed me with a dinner with my loved ones at the luxurious Ben's at Publika noy just once but twice; and another trip to singapore with free accommodation and 2 A Reserve tickets to watch Wicked the musical, which is admitedly, really good. Despite the hickups... God is and always has been good.

Just finished my clinical exam for medicine today. And make no mistake, when the lecturer said "I think you did well" (which somewhat mirrored the exam the last time), I'm really not sure if she was just trying to placade me. Because when I looked back, there were really things that I din't know and din't answer correctly. Made me realise, yet again, how woefully little I know in medicine!

Again, its the time of the semester when everyone is scrambling to change groupings. Perhaps due to my OCD-ness, I always find it hard to adjust to new environment. I secretly (and maybe not so secretly) think I have prolonged adjustment disorder each time. I can't help but feeling stressed in a "new environment",despite it being the same 100 (rotating) batchmates. It really is hard for me get used to a new place/people, and when I finally settle down...Things move on again. Way too fast for my liking :(
Its time like this when I really miss my best buds, esp the one in Leeds uni. I remember how we used to be inseparable, and I imagine that if she is here, we will probably be inseparable. We'll probably push each other to talk to patients etc, which probably will be better for each other :P She'll probably layan my lame jokes and antics, we'll probably sushi every other day. Nah, I kid. (Sushi is expensive!!!)

But yes. Its not that I'm not happy with my life. In fact, I have no reason to be, God has blessed me so. Perhaps, me, just like many others are falling into the trap of evying others life, or thinking "what if". But if you watch grey's anatomy a few episodes ago, they say that things would ultimately have played out the same way. Perhaps its true, coz nothing that happens is "incidental"; it is all permitted, crafted by God. And eventhough I may not see the plan at the moment, God can already see the end...

So yeah. Maybe I just need to sort out my feelings. Of the past and the present, because the past cannot be reproduced, and the present is ahead and holds much at stake. The memories of the past should serve more to brighten my dark days, not make me feel emo and longing. (Although, like I said, its hard for me to "move on". I am perhaps moving with the flow while subconciously trying to fight it.) The memories that I shared with the people I love and cherish evermore need to always be stored in that precious little corner of my brain, while I trudge on bravely. And may I remind myself, that I am never, ever alone( although many a time I may feel so).

Nowadays I find myself wondering many many times why I chose medicine. I'm not the only one. Discussing it during skype one day, my bestie and I agreed that if time were to be turned back, we would still have made the choice we made. How stupid right? To fight with the 7802560602589568263 people whom blindly choose medicine not knowing the amount of sacrifice, the amount of sweat, tears and heartache, and the somewhat bleak future for the medical profession that is slowly losing its prestige. To be one of the small fry that does all the work with a "glamourous"( actually, the lowest ranking, lower than amoeba in the food chain) name; to battle the workload and mounting pressure and if more serious, depression. To have more dark days than good, and not being sure what there is to look forward to. Call me a pessimist, but if you, like me are purely average(or less than that), you know that life is hard as you compete with the thousands and millions of braniacs who have chosen the same profession as you.

But as I pour out my frustrations, I am reminded by a loved and honoured person in my life, that my life is in God's hands. Promotion, whether fair or not. Welfare. Future. And more. God has and will pull me through the darkest days of my life. Because though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. And I always, always need to remind myself that the constant in this life is not death or tax (you have conquered them all), but You. That one day I can look forward to resting in Your house, and celebrating with You forevermore.

When the music fades, all is stripped away, and I simply come. Longing just to bring, something, something thats of worth, that will bless  your heart. 

Saw many of my juniors prom photos. Ah, those were the times. I love them (Still) and miss them so much. But I think that they have moved on in life. I miss hanging out with them, sharing each other's life story; I miss making them brush each others teeth while singing "old McDonalds  had a farm" with foam flowing from their mouths. I miss being the "guinea pig" while they made me up for my prom, trying on diff shoes , different shades of makeup. I miss all the lunches and the library hangouts, I miss talking about everything under the sun.

Not that I love my current housemates any less. When the Seremban chapter is over and done with, I know I'll also miss them, since people are moving away and nothing is confirmed. When everyone is in different places doing housemanship. But I'll always remember and miss most the time and the energy, and the heart invested into different people's lives.

And although I don't know how they are doing, they seem to be doing just fine. And even if they may(or have) forgotten me and that I am no longer a part of their lives, if there is one thing I want them to know is that I love them and will always miss them, and they have been an amazing part of my life where I wouldn't trade them for anyone else.

Busy bz bz...

This week spelled busy. Clinical exam (first time in Seremban), CFCS (Home visit report + theme 1 report + presentation slides) + internal med assignments (2 Case Reports (2000 words each) + 5 case summaries (300+ words each). ) Fantastic eh.

wanna blog with pictures next. stay tuned :) (if anyone ever reads this anymore

ps: To my sem 2 juniors and dentistry sem 4, all the best preparing for exams! u guys will do well :)

updates

Its been more than a week now. 2 weeks left in internal medicine. its the usual, day after day, day after day.

Venepuncture aka blood drawing? better. but still need lots and lots of practice. i think my practical skills are like that, which means im not a "naturally talented" person but have to work on it. most probably my driving would be like that too, if i have chance to practice.

arrrgh. but yeah blabbing. yesterday had CP(Case presentation). made a dumbass mistake.presented the case. said the patient had chickenpox more than 30 years ago. so the doctor asked "what virus causes chicken pox?" \

my mouth shot out "herpes simplex". gg man. i KNOW its varicella zoster but somehow maybe at the back of my mind i was thinking herpes zoster. either way, embarassing. herpes simplex is an std  -sexually transmitted disease. groans....

the doctor took it very nicely tho. aka no scolding. he reminded us (me?) of a few things - think before we speak, especially as doctors. and assume nothing.

got so much running in my head right now but I'm actually supposed to rest. PBL in bout 10-15 mins. I should really be more disciplined...

wake me up when september ends...?

It seems like eternity I've been here. And yet. And yet... I know I'm not entirely settled yet. Esp after going home for 2 days then coming back. The feeling is...not the best. Gotta adjust. Just like the times I just returned, I can't sleep properly, keep waking up throughout  the night.

Managed to draw blood. EASY ones. some poke patient's more than once and cause them pain, failed doctor :(  my hands shake like crazy even tho I don't want it to. so much for thinking of doing surgery. or maybe I just to give myself some time. I'm probably one of the worst and slowest students around. But I will try, and hopefully be the best I can...

Still can't but feel wee bit dejected. Seriously. Everyone has their own challenges some are "harder" than the rest? I don't know what  to say except that God, help me...

Internal Med

Internal Med

Actually like internal med. Then again, I expected I would like it. BUT, tbl's? different story.

Still much adjustment to be made. Still lost around wards (altho i do like it) but I would love to start doing procedures (like assisting in the ECG today, thanks to my nursing friend). So far cases I've seen have been pretty ok, really thank God for that. (I mean, I feel sorry for the patient. I'm just grateful I have the chance to see these patients to enhance my knowledge and experience).

Slowly my friends are leaving one by one. Ash leaves tonight, Sooky left already. Both UK pple. Now, our gang is complete here in s'ban, save for Sook. :'( But it's ok. Its not goodbye, I believe.

Learning to be generous and patient in dealing with life. By that I mean housemates / people etc. Learning to give and take, to smile and not take offences (compared to younger days?) and much much more. Learning humility and much much more.

Will update soonish. Have a safe flight Ash, you will be missed. Sook, I hope you're doing well there. Boring? we're crazy busy right now. But still miss you guys!

ps: during tbl today the patient's heart monitor sounds "tut...tut...tut..." sound was sorta "ringing" in my head. Does ward rounds do this to you?