3 years later...

 Today, I suddenly decided to visit my blogspot. Out of the blue , they say. 

It was a little nostalgic looking back at old posts, going, "wait, i said that?"

Some things have changed, some havent. Age is catching up, as evidenced by failing energy and the inability to stay awake at night. (you know, when you're 14, sleep is for the weak!!) 

Some havent, like how I'm still not confident, and how straight I am.

Some stuff have evolved. Like how life makes you choose who you want to be, and perhaps on the outside I look loud and opiniated (which I am), but there is just so much more inside of me that I long to share but have burried deep inside myself. The fact is that everyone is busy, not every one, and most , dont care.

I've learnt to accept ( and still trying at the moment) that I cannot please every single person, even the ones I love the most. To do that would require me bending in multiple directions, and as someone said "how many people do you want to be? X to theis person, Y to another? " . I've struggled with this the most, this pleasing people business. I know, I brand it "the non confrontational method". The reality is , there is a choice one has to make, and one will come to this point at one time or another.

Leaving this here because I've made a decision that may not seem popular and perhaps seems even cold. And the decision is hard...but I know it's gotta be done .

Struggles

My blog has been like, dead. For at least a few years, and I know it.

During these times, I feel like I've changed alot - from the assertive, confident , bashful me to a less certain, wishy-washy, constantly apologoising me. I've changed, and I don't know if it is for the better.

I used to think I know what comes next, I know what to expect, and I know what life is about( How ignorant and how arrogant). However, as life throws me curveballs, I become more uncertain as time passes me by, leaving me confused, muddled and torn inside. I can picture a pile of scrap trying to piece itself together but failing miserably.

I used to write thinking someone will read. Now I don't anymore, no one visits this dead blog anyway.

Now I know why people say that adult life is messy, is confusing, is about scheming... etc. How I long for the innocence of childlike faith. How I long to bee that look up and see only 1 option and know that that is the one for me.

I'm however, grateful. Grateful because I have God , grateful because I have my family, grateful to have my ever loving and ever supporting other half. Grateful that he is willing to carry my burdens, and share in my joy and pain. Grateful that I've found someone who loves me more than I love myself.


~ ~ ~

Father God, I surrender myself to you. My burdens I give to You. Help me to make the right desicion, the desicion that honours You and helps me to walk into my future. The desicion that I can look back and thank You for no matter what. Give me the peace that surpasses all understanding. Help me to choose. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Wake me up when september ends

I cannot believe that i have not written for sooo long. Like eternity. The discipline that is needed to write is... I salute bloggers who do it on a daily basis.

Much has happened during this time. Hehe. Basically time flies la.
Went to taiwan.
Took an exam.
Worked alot.
Family matters.
It's been a year (and more) already!!

We should really spend more time with our families. Update soon.

My Ideal Guy (2015)

Human evolve. No , not from monkeys / apes. At least not in my vocab. I mean, past 2000 years have you even seen one ape evolve into a human being? (Although I agree sometimes humans behave worst than apes / monkeys).

Human beings evolve. Change. Emotionally. Mentally. I know I have. This is like an updated list done from 2007.

So here goes, things I look for in a life partner.

- Loves God with all his heart

- Loves and will take care of is family and mine

- Will know how to be the leader in the family - a man worth submitting to

- Will love me with all of his heart as an equal and partner.

And other nitty gritty stuff:

- Non Smoker / Non a crazy alcoholic (Like Child Pugh B-C)

- Has a good sense of Humour

- Generous with his time, money, everything

- "Gets" me

- Gentle and has grace

- Someone who doesn't shirk responsibility

- Someone who has vision, knows what he wants.

- Someone who can handle criticisms.

- Someone who knows know to correct me/ other people with gentleness and grace

A beloved sister and dear friend of mine summed it up this way - "basically as the list simplifies at the heart of it you desire someone who desires God and you"...

And that's probably true.

1...2...3...

Working weekends and oncall too this weekend. No, who said doctors have life. :p

Anyway randomness. Everyone struggles. Some struggle with finances. Some exams. Some emotionally or spiritually. I do too. I'm only human, you see.

Most important for me is to remain true to oneself. And to trust the Hand that guides from above. Afterall, our lives have already been written in His book...

What are you living for?

Gonna be a sob story. So move away if you want to. You are most welcome.

I remember my prayer yesterday - God i surrender everything to You. Use me as Your vessel even in the hospital... ...

Today I had to break the bad news to a patient that he had advanced cancer. He already suspected post the scan, because he noticed the radiologists were whispering amongst themselves. Then when the report came back late, he accused me of trying to hide his findings. He was adamant about going home TODAY, and din't wana wait another day so we could refer inpatient.

Turns out that he has a wife who is debilitated due to stroke, and a daughter busy working day and night. He was the main caretaker for the wife basically.

After all the huu-haa and the referrals that were unable to be made as the oncall people had their phones off, i sat next to the uncle and asked him how he was feeling,if he was ok.

And then the waterworks started..both his and mine. His more manly tears, barely rolling down his cheeks. He was visibly emotional,and 101 thoughts were running through his mind. Mine were the tears of a fellow human being,and it was as much ad I could do to keep my voice from breaking. I know the neighbouring bed and the other staff were staring and could see my eyes watery and me basically wiping away tears from my tear streaked, red face.

Later on I found out he shared the same faith and had the chance to pray for him. I din't know what to pray for..and in the end I prayed for peace and joy basically. I tried to remind the both of us that through the storm, God is sovereign.

And God is sovereign. When we don't understand the plan, we trust the Hand. Our bodies on earth expire, but in Him we have eternal life forever.

So what are we living for? I don't know about You, but I will live for Him.

And oh, watch what you pray for. He is listening. :)

Selamat Hari Raya!!

Selamat Hari Raya!! 

Some pretty pretty mini cupcakes with jam inside in one of the wards on Raya Eve

Spending my first raya post call in a new place, in one of the major cities in the country is definitely a new experience. For one, I definitely miss the warm feeling of festivity and the delicious food that is usually available in nearly all the wards on day 1. The fantastic chefs aka staff nurses in my previous hospital will bring tradional lemang, ketupat and all the lovely rendang on d1..I can even go for multiple rounds in multiple wards!! Here, its work as usual..

Anyway , have a great celebration to all who happened to stumble upon my humble blog!! May the coming days bring health, wealth and joy in you and your family's life!:)

life's R&R at Perhentian

So i went to Perhentian, where life stops for a while. In a good way of course. :)

I took many, many, many pictures. But all are random pictures la. Haha. So here are a few. Might just update more later.

 The place I stayed at.The Barat Perhentian. Went there via boat trasfer from Kuala Besut jetty. The place was fair la. Clean, tad small, comfy enof... View fair. You can walk around the island anyways.

 The nice clean sand. This is near Perhentian Island resort, which i secretly think is the nicest of all the resorts/hotels there. Looks the most posh of the few resorts there anyway.

 The beautiful sea! Spent hours just standing at the edge of the sea, letting the waves wash over my feet while feeling the soft sand wiggle through my toes. And with bff Sooky, great getaway. :) I'm such a lousy travel partner.. Easily seasick and am utterly boring..haha.

 Dinner the day before we left. Bbq dinner, included in the package. Bbq fish, squid, chicken wings, lamb chop! I heart lamb chop the most hehe.. (yes I know, cholesterol..)

Sooky, the future radiologist. :) really happy you got what your heart desires.. You worked so hard for it. Proud of you!! Heart this picture because friends are forever, and because you'll always need a girlfriend. :) This girlfriend likes Asian food. (random)

Good trip, and Barat Perhentian does have good food.a mix of fusion, asian and western. I would definitely recommend it for its food and that its price is reasonable. 

I need another holiday soon... =X

of people i miss..

Some of the people I miss the most right now..

 The random meets up at makan places. Everone is everywhere now. Mini reunion in the other island in the country.. Guess the next meetup will still be Nandos coz that place isn't available in Kuching...

The 3 Musketeers. I miss miss miss :( Calm, cool and direct people, what we say is what we think. haha!! and Faster cari chance to come out and meet again, I've got lots of dresses in my wardrobe waiting to be worn..

2015- first post of the year!

Oh my goodness!! It has been more than a year that I have blogged. This is crazy haha.i keep wanting to blog but never ending up doing it!!

Yes,things have changed. Many, many, many things. For starters, I have "graduated"! Haha.from a house officer to a medical officer. Life is definitely better as a medical officer...except when you're on call( oh the horror!!)...thats a story for another day.

Apart from that, I have moved...back to my hometown. And being a "complaints queen", I have to declare...I HATE KL TRAFFIC!!! HATE HATE HATE!!!

Hahaha. But seriously its true,the traffic is horrendous...thats the thing I miss the most about Muar..apart from the people and the food. Asam fish, chicken rice balls, 6 taste tong sui...

I have so many things to update/blog about! New makan places I've been to, Perhentian..ooh yes, I've finally been to a beach. :):):)

I hope i finally restart blogging. :)

Tiny Humans and halfway to go...

Its March( already?!) and I'm halfway through my 3rd posting, tiny adults. I mean paediatrics.

They are so uber cute, especially the babies at 6 months onwards! Then you'll see the 2 year olds 3 year olds walking around nonstop when they are well... :)

Next week I'm going to the NICU, the place where its totally babie babies and more babies.

I hope I survive!

And I should blog more often...Even if no one reads. Heh.

rant

I cant believe I havent written anything for..more than half a year?! Thats how long I've been working..(well a little earlier than that la)

Its true that when you work,you no longer possess the freedom you once had as a student. It's true that work sucks the life out of you,and you feel like your life is work,eat,sleep(if you're lucky eat and sleep well,if not its just grab-a-bite-and-go +2-3 hrs sleep).

And then there are those extremely demanding grumpy and grouchy patients. I understant that you're tired and sick,but please dont vent it out on us.it makes our mood bad and spoils the day for us too,you know. We are just trying our level best to make you feel better.

Sometimes I wonder whyyyyyyy I chose this profession. I could be sitting at home reading magazines and doing make up and manicures...

Sigh. *vent vent vent...*

OFF TAG~~~!

Haha, the happiest thing I'm happy to announce this week: I have officially off tagged! :D

I off tagged on Wednesday, just before my specialist left for a conference / talk. Was planning to off tag the day before, but I was stuck in a procedure (pleural tap) when my specialist left.

So on Wednesday, when I heard he was going off by 10am, I was like, I'LL ASK HIM NOW, ITS NOW OR NEVER!!! hahaha. So I asked him.

And then he saw my tagging paper "ok alot of cases", then he asked me "Who signed yr paper?" I replied an MO's name. He proceeded to ask my MO, who say should be ok but she was not in charge of me.

Next he looked for my MO in charge of me for the past few weeks, and when he couldn't find her, he called her. I was a wreck of nerves. Haha! Thank God my MO let me through. Which means I'm OFFICIALLY OFF TAG!!

The difference is that now on passive days, I can go back at 9pm if I've finished my work. If on active days I'll still try to stay and help out. It's really crazy on an active day, the admissions comes in streams -.-

Tagging

When one first starts a posting, there's something called "tagging". And unlike what  I used to understand about tagging, here(at least) the system is different.

tagging= doing the same thing as the off tag people, the difference is the longer working hours(to train one?) and the "leeway" they give you when you make a mistake "sorry boss i still tagging".

My MO said I'm really "gan geong" (flustered), should get my TFT done. but then hor, if I relax n lengah lengah, things don't get done, I'm gonna get scolding anyway!

Slowly getting used to "life". 

On my "off" day, and yawning away...seriously hutang tidur memang need to bayar even if I resist.

I havent watched ironman 3. I havent done so many of my fav things in a looong time. 

Just wanna rant.

Chronicles of the youngest and lowest of lifeform in the hospital

I started work at Hospital Muar on the 29th of April. It's only been 2 weeks, but it feels like 2 months. I still feel new, still feel lost, still feel like I don't belong... and the reason why it feels like 2 months is because I feel like I've been doing this like forever (not a good thing/ good feeling).

Each day, I drag my sleep deprived body up from bed at 5+,jz to reach the hospital by 6+ to review my patients before my MO does. And then its ward work (The real ward work, not like medical students, "Ward work"= relax/ do your own thing). throughout the day. If it's active ward, new patients will be admitted, and lots of stuff will need to be done eg clerking new patients, initiating new management, blood taking, lots of forms to fill...

Oh, a lil tip, get your official chop/rubber stamp done soon. Unlike me, I waited (and am still waiting) for my chop. It's seriously very very troublesome, and technically, the documents are not valid. Very very the difficult. -_______- I still dont have my name tag yet (but that isn't important).

Here,my first posting is medical. To be honest, before this I've never heard any horrors of medical ward in this hospital (in fact I've heard little about Muar Hospital), but when I came here, *WHAM* culture shock, work shock, hypovolaemic shock (due to dehydration) and you name it shock was here. Everyone told me "you're local, you'll be fine"...but as a first poster I really don't feel that. I feel so inferior, so stupid.

Just in case you were wondering (if there were any of you who still do wonder), yes, I did break down, so, so many times. Sometimes I blame it on estrogen, but in reality I blame my job. I'm very very near losing interest in my job (my other friends mostly have already lost interest). Basically, work because we have to, not because I like my job.

The hours are really really long. I never get home before 11+, and I even worked till 2 something am and did not go home (of course, everyone found out). But hearing my colleagues talk it must have been much much worst...they came at 4++ and went home 2-3am ++. Can't imagine if life is sucky like that, theirs must have been worst. O.o Social life? Don't think I have one anymore. Don't even go on facebook much (coming from  someone on facebook more than half the time in a day, its really significant).

Ah...then there is this issue of food. During passive ward,yes there is time to eat. Active, usually no time to eat / go down tapao. Once or twice I came at 2pm++, there was no food left! and the "tukang masak belum datang lagi". -_____-. I personally don't consider kuih's as proper meals.

Surprisingly, I haven't lost weight. So emo. :P

Paling sakit hati is kena scolding TDS, for things I do wrong nevermind, but sometimes for things I don't feel that I'm in the wrong. Then there's the issue of informing. Sometimes you inform also wrong, you don't inform also wrong...If I'm like a 3rd/4th poster I'll already know, but I'm a first poster in my first 2 weeks!

Something that I felt doesn't really apply here, which I heard the pengarah hospital say (while we were signing our surat aku janji) "dont learn from your houseman friends, learn from your mo's and specialists...I don't think it applies. Sometimes, in fact >90% of the time you consult and learn from your colleagues. Whom I am eternally grateful for- the bunch in the ward that made my learning curve an easier one.

Till next time ranting, not sure when. Start of working life - I finally understand why everyone says "enjoy yr student life - working life sucks"

Sick

Been sick for the whole of past week. Horrible, horrible experience. First was joint aches (arthralgia), followed by fever for 3 days. Next, when I thought I was better, I went to starpoints hotel(food was horrible, AVOID at all costs) - and I got sick for another 4-5 days. The mere thought of food made me want to vomit, and the nauseated feeling lasted throughout the day. Not fun. :(

Posts soon, as of now recovering. :)

The new (raw meat) doctor in the house!

As of today (28/2/13),its Dr Joanne Lee :D It sounds awkward and will take some getting used to (Not used to hearing that yet), buts its a good feeling...

What I wrote on facebook: 

 " No words can describe my relief at the moment, and the only thing in my mind is its a new beginning now...It's truly by God's grace and by His strength alone that I pulled through! Thank you family, lecturers, friends and my fellow colleagues, it's been a roller coaster ride but it's great to be at the peak! As of now, unemployed, and happy :P "

And I meant every word I said (whether personally, on stage or on facebook) - that it's been a bumpy ride. True enough, sweat, tears, pain (lots and lots of each) was involved in the final piece of paper that we got. Glad that people around me, my other half, housemates and good friends all made it through! :) 

Thank You God! For Your never ending grace, mercy, love and strength, for believing in me and loving me even when I give up on myself so many times.

Doctors of C2/10!! :)

Congrats C2/10! Its been an amazing roller coaster ride with each and everyone of you, initially 220 people (including the ones who went overseas) with the remaining 97 Seremban students who made it(still the biggest batch in history!), who topped records with 100% pass during sem 7 and sem 9! :)



ps: I know the road ahead is long, hard and windy, and I have a lot in my head now...But I'm gonna choose to stop for a while to celebrate and savour this moment before the rest comes... Dr Joanne Lee aka Dr Jojobear ok! :D

What I'm looking forward to

There are so many things I'm looking forward to post exams, and these are the few food-ventures that I'm just waiting anxiously for!

*trying very desperately to motivate myself*

1. Doraku Japanese Food in KL city centre. :) Jap has always been my fav!

2. Starpoints Hotel KL Valentine's Dinner. Had delayed it due to Chinese New Year Celebrations, and of course, exams.

3. Prince Hotel and Residences KL - haven't determined whether to go to Enju, the Jap food outlet, or The International buffet one. (Find it hard to stuff myself nowadays >< Signs of growing old >< )


Tahan Joanne! 5 more days...which means 4 days that you have to work super duper hard, ok? ><

At The Cross

You know it's true that people always seek God in the lowest points of their life. Literally like the chinese saying "holding on to the buddha's leg at the very last moment". It's when we've invested our everything, our life, our emotions, our money, our friends...everything! Then only we're willing to come to Him.

That isn't the way, we all know it shouldn't be. And frankly, it actually is pretty ungrateful, if you think about it. Seeking someone only when we need them.

But the beauty of this all is that God has always been there waiting, waiting, waiting; loving, loving, loving. Loving who? Everyone of this earth - whatever your name, race, your religion, your sexual orientation, your shortcomings....Everyone. And His response is never one of hate, never one of condemnation or "Told you to come look for me earlier!" kinda responses, but "There there child, I love you. I have called you by name. I will lift you up. I will hold you close, hold you in the palm of my hands." Those responses, and more.

I think that's why, even though it's ironic but its true, that " When we are weak then He becomes stronger" - not because He can become stronger (He has and always will be the strongest!)- It's His influence, His power that becomes stronger in our lives because we let Him, we allow Him to work in our lives. We give Him the permission(because He's such a gentlemen and won't intrude) and then we see miracles unfold before our eyes.

Random ramblings

Progress has been slow. If I were to say it in a statement, it would be :

Holidays - Stomach 1 : Brain 0

Sigh...One thing I really should have is a little more consistency and discipline.

There are so many things I'm looking forward to after exams...All pending me passing the final exit viva *shakes in fear*

You know, my blog following is downright horrible. Views are as low as 2-4 a day, and the traffic is based on nonsensical sources from some blog and random searches. Basically, if you say I'm a lifestyle blogger, I've failed, miserably. Food blogger? Nah, no following either. Cosmetics? My skin is sensitive, not so easy. Basically its a collection of my musings (whenever I can get down to writing a post! look at the past years, the number of posts have been dwindling... ><

Anyway! Rambling rambling. It's ok, since my personal blog is "Dead" (no one reads, and those who tried have given up since the posting was too infrequent).

And since it's my blog, I can spam as many posts as I want. So I'm going to with all the posts I want to post! Grrrrr *Exam stress have gone mad*