IN A WEEK!!!

In a week's time, I'll have finished my finals, the exit viva. Which means I have barely 5 days left. What have I done? A little of this and that. Am I ready? I'm not sure. I'm scared. Freaked out. Panicking! >< >< ><

A bunch of thoughts

A month later (wait, make that 2) and yes, I'm back with an emo post.

Ah! Life. Don't get me wrong...God has been really good and has blessed me so, so much. He blessed me with a dinner with my loved ones at the luxurious Ben's at Publika noy just once but twice; and another trip to singapore with free accommodation and 2 A Reserve tickets to watch Wicked the musical, which is admitedly, really good. Despite the hickups... God is and always has been good.

Just finished my clinical exam for medicine today. And make no mistake, when the lecturer said "I think you did well" (which somewhat mirrored the exam the last time), I'm really not sure if she was just trying to placade me. Because when I looked back, there were really things that I din't know and din't answer correctly. Made me realise, yet again, how woefully little I know in medicine!

Again, its the time of the semester when everyone is scrambling to change groupings. Perhaps due to my OCD-ness, I always find it hard to adjust to new environment. I secretly (and maybe not so secretly) think I have prolonged adjustment disorder each time. I can't help but feeling stressed in a "new environment",despite it being the same 100 (rotating) batchmates. It really is hard for me get used to a new place/people, and when I finally settle down...Things move on again. Way too fast for my liking :(
Its time like this when I really miss my best buds, esp the one in Leeds uni. I remember how we used to be inseparable, and I imagine that if she is here, we will probably be inseparable. We'll probably push each other to talk to patients etc, which probably will be better for each other :P She'll probably layan my lame jokes and antics, we'll probably sushi every other day. Nah, I kid. (Sushi is expensive!!!)

But yes. Its not that I'm not happy with my life. In fact, I have no reason to be, God has blessed me so. Perhaps, me, just like many others are falling into the trap of evying others life, or thinking "what if". But if you watch grey's anatomy a few episodes ago, they say that things would ultimately have played out the same way. Perhaps its true, coz nothing that happens is "incidental"; it is all permitted, crafted by God. And eventhough I may not see the plan at the moment, God can already see the end...

So yeah. Maybe I just need to sort out my feelings. Of the past and the present, because the past cannot be reproduced, and the present is ahead and holds much at stake. The memories of the past should serve more to brighten my dark days, not make me feel emo and longing. (Although, like I said, its hard for me to "move on". I am perhaps moving with the flow while subconciously trying to fight it.) The memories that I shared with the people I love and cherish evermore need to always be stored in that precious little corner of my brain, while I trudge on bravely. And may I remind myself, that I am never, ever alone( although many a time I may feel so).

Nowadays I find myself wondering many many times why I chose medicine. I'm not the only one. Discussing it during skype one day, my bestie and I agreed that if time were to be turned back, we would still have made the choice we made. How stupid right? To fight with the 7802560602589568263 people whom blindly choose medicine not knowing the amount of sacrifice, the amount of sweat, tears and heartache, and the somewhat bleak future for the medical profession that is slowly losing its prestige. To be one of the small fry that does all the work with a "glamourous"( actually, the lowest ranking, lower than amoeba in the food chain) name; to battle the workload and mounting pressure and if more serious, depression. To have more dark days than good, and not being sure what there is to look forward to. Call me a pessimist, but if you, like me are purely average(or less than that), you know that life is hard as you compete with the thousands and millions of braniacs who have chosen the same profession as you.

But as I pour out my frustrations, I am reminded by a loved and honoured person in my life, that my life is in God's hands. Promotion, whether fair or not. Welfare. Future. And more. God has and will pull me through the darkest days of my life. Because though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. And I always, always need to remind myself that the constant in this life is not death or tax (you have conquered them all), but You. That one day I can look forward to resting in Your house, and celebrating with You forevermore.

When the music fades, all is stripped away, and I simply come. Longing just to bring, something, something thats of worth, that will bless  your heart. 

Saw many of my juniors prom photos. Ah, those were the times. I love them (Still) and miss them so much. But I think that they have moved on in life. I miss hanging out with them, sharing each other's life story; I miss making them brush each others teeth while singing "old McDonalds  had a farm" with foam flowing from their mouths. I miss being the "guinea pig" while they made me up for my prom, trying on diff shoes , different shades of makeup. I miss all the lunches and the library hangouts, I miss talking about everything under the sun.

Not that I love my current housemates any less. When the Seremban chapter is over and done with, I know I'll also miss them, since people are moving away and nothing is confirmed. When everyone is in different places doing housemanship. But I'll always remember and miss most the time and the energy, and the heart invested into different people's lives.

And although I don't know how they are doing, they seem to be doing just fine. And even if they may(or have) forgotten me and that I am no longer a part of their lives, if there is one thing I want them to know is that I love them and will always miss them, and they have been an amazing part of my life where I wouldn't trade them for anyone else.

August

Things I've acheived this holidays:

(Mostly) playing games
cleared up the bags on the floor (wait theres one more)
I dunno, play more games? Alice greenfingers, youda farmer, texas poker...
o ya, learn how to play poker and chor dai dee

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On another note, my bro is back from India. happy to see him of course. Secretly thinking that he as a 1st year (first semester!) manipal med student is much better (at least theoretically) than me! I know I can't compare with his knowledge in anatomy, physiology, biochemistry, embryology... (wait that's everything..)

Such a depressing feeling I tell you.

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But on a happy note, I've passed my year 4(halfway through actually) exams! so I've got 1.5 years more to go officially. All glory to Him, not by my might but by His grace. And of course my dad, who drilled me like crazy. And the support of all my friends and family and loved ones (you know who you are). thank you for listening to me rant all the time /emo / fret (thanks Sam) and being there for me; for guiding me (and talking also la :P ) through osce practice sessions (Thanks Sook Cheng and ever faithful Shane) and everyone whom I missed out (like those I jz random msged (fifi etc). And special thanks to the wonderful seniors like Christy and Priscilla and Szu May that really helped us in the last week (read: few days before exam) for OSCE. I think I learnt most of my osce in the last week..lol.

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I think everyone has issues to sort out, stuff that are always at the back of ones mind. its just how one does it, how the end result will be. just pensive over some stuff. I guess I'll remember the serenity prayer -

Learning to trust the Hand who holds the plans and the future.

Sem 2's Survivor's story

This is dedicated to my beloved sem 2 friends (and juniors, which in this case is apt).


"Once upon a time, there was this girl who was wanted to "be a doctor". She was just fresh from college, raring to do medicine. She happily enrolled herself in none other than IMU.

Semester 1 came and went, with herself barely studying. The last 3 weeks before exams she "played slides" everyday. Summative 1 came. She passed...but barely.

Semester 2 commenced. She resolved to STUDY her ass off. Didn't even join orientation - only did first aid for the juniors. Studies? Oh, stress levels were high...probably synonymous to the pressure cooker enough to cook a huge chicken. He memory was somewhat like "Touch and go" - study and forget. Or rather, study and remember for 293seconds, then forget.

Believe me, it was one of the most stressful and painful periods of her life. All around her people asked each other simple questions - like "name me 3 features of the large intestine". and her mind will go blank, she'll panic. worst still, she was studying "randomly" - din't even know things in the study guide (wait, there was a study guide? :O )

She crashed. So. so many times. Tears, dark eye circles like nobody's business, zombie-ing days, no difference between nights and days... the routine was stare at notes / fall asleep / stare at notes/ go to toilet with notes... with no avail. (Since nothing was retained in the mind.). The fear of failure naturally loomed at the back of her mind, haunting her every thought and action...

So yes. that was the 3 month nitemare( or somewhere there). to cut the long story short, her friends ( a few of them) were her solidarity, who supported her through the whole "ordeal". The "library gang" would encourage each other, have dinner together from all the godness-knows-how-healthy-roadside-food and then continue studying till the Indian aunty will knock the cup rhythmically calling out "library closing! library closing!!!" ...

The exam came, and the exam went.


And she passed. Not by herself - by the grace of her God ; and also because of her amazing friends who were amazing enough to share and care unselfishly - not just knowledge but the social support of just being there for each other. The sincerity when one genuinely goes "oi you BETTER study" instead of "don't worry, i din't study also" which obviously would be a lie.  "

Hope. Faith. Love - Just hang on, finish strong!

I know I suck at writing. Bottom line is this - I've been there before, I know entirely how it feels. I'm the border line student who hangs on by bare thread thin line... I guess in the end, you just throw up your hands and go "I've done my best, this is it". As long as you know you've given it your all and you ever don't throw in the towel - to me that is success. Don't bother comparing with others - there will always be people better than you (and likewise, not as good). Do it for yourself, so that you can be proud of yourself. Do it for the hopes and aspirations of the future - your future patients deserve your time and dedication and hard work you put in now.

And don't lose sight of the whole picture - this is but temporary. Get through this and you will look back and ask yourself "How did I get through this!?" and remember it as a bittersweet moment. Of course, the 2 month holiday is a very good incentive to look forward to as well...

But ultimately ask yourself this question - Is it worth it? Because if it is, I'll give it my all, no holding back. 
And if you ask me, someone who has been through the crap of Phase 1 - it is definitely worth it.

There are better times ahead. Look forward to that.


Love,
a survivor
(Excuse her - she hasn't written essays for ages)

Busy bz bz...

This week spelled busy. Clinical exam (first time in Seremban), CFCS (Home visit report + theme 1 report + presentation slides) + internal med assignments (2 Case Reports (2000 words each) + 5 case summaries (300+ words each). ) Fantastic eh.

wanna blog with pictures next. stay tuned :) (if anyone ever reads this anymore

ps: To my sem 2 juniors and dentistry sem 4, all the best preparing for exams! u guys will do well :)

summatives over

Summatives are o-v-e-r. Just like Sooky, I'm not overjoyed. I also slacked pretty much this sem. but wee bit disappointed that even after studying pretty hard, I think my results are gonna be like always, mediocre. Sometimes its pretty frustrating when you think you've given your all...and the results come out are just average...yet again. I wish I had a super brain with a photographic memory?

Sometimes you wonder whether its all worth it.

lit

L-I-T-E-R-A-T-U-R-E


Selective groupings are finally out...after a loong wait. And I got...


l-i-t-e-r-a-t-u-r-e!~!!


And I mean long... I've been waiting since sem 1. *grins* (I read someone's blog bout selectives before I even entered IMU...and resolved to do literature right after that. Its a 2 yr "dream come true"? hahaha


So. Timetable is out, along with groupings. Apart from the fact that lectures(well, lectures?) are all gonna be 1.30pm like sem 2 and 3, I quite like my timetable. I find it very interesting and likable... I'm one who cant sit through heavy lectures without dozing off even momentarily. No lectures at 8.30am in the morning / 4pm in the evening ; no assesments and no heavy lectures. Instead, drama rehersal(like crazy) with some essays on "personal reflection" etc, which involves...crapping ;p What could be better? The "down" side is we ARE gonna be busy. But when one is enjoying(hopefully), it doesnt become a chore, no? :)


Gonna be with people like Esther, Sufi, Angeline, Sandip, Hwei Jene, June and many others amounting to 52 peeps. Hopefully we get to pick our own groupings! *fingers crossed*


...King Oedipus. I hope we do justice to your pin-pierced bloody eyes and self-fullfilling prophecy which you tried so hard to run away from.


On another note, summatives are next thursday. No comment. I just...want to pass. And hopefully do well. I've got less than a week. *pls let a meteor pass by, I need a miracle*...


...I should study. NOT play roller coaster tycoon 2. (I finished all the beginner parks ady).


STUDY JOANNE !!!!!

Sem 1's have finished their summatives. They seem happy(at the prospect of holidays) :) Happy for them too.


Now its m108's turn the coming week. The big one which we've been preparing for since 6 months ago. The Finals >