3 years later...

 Today, I suddenly decided to visit my blogspot. Out of the blue , they say. 

It was a little nostalgic looking back at old posts, going, "wait, i said that?"

Some things have changed, some havent. Age is catching up, as evidenced by failing energy and the inability to stay awake at night. (you know, when you're 14, sleep is for the weak!!) 

Some havent, like how I'm still not confident, and how straight I am.

Some stuff have evolved. Like how life makes you choose who you want to be, and perhaps on the outside I look loud and opiniated (which I am), but there is just so much more inside of me that I long to share but have burried deep inside myself. The fact is that everyone is busy, not every one, and most , dont care.

I've learnt to accept ( and still trying at the moment) that I cannot please every single person, even the ones I love the most. To do that would require me bending in multiple directions, and as someone said "how many people do you want to be? X to theis person, Y to another? " . I've struggled with this the most, this pleasing people business. I know, I brand it "the non confrontational method". The reality is , there is a choice one has to make, and one will come to this point at one time or another.

Leaving this here because I've made a decision that may not seem popular and perhaps seems even cold. And the decision is hard...but I know it's gotta be done .

2015- first post of the year!

Oh my goodness!! It has been more than a year that I have blogged. This is crazy haha.i keep wanting to blog but never ending up doing it!!

Yes,things have changed. Many, many, many things. For starters, I have "graduated"! Haha.from a house officer to a medical officer. Life is definitely better as a medical officer...except when you're on call( oh the horror!!)...thats a story for another day.

Apart from that, I have moved...back to my hometown. And being a "complaints queen", I have to declare...I HATE KL TRAFFIC!!! HATE HATE HATE!!!

Hahaha. But seriously its true,the traffic is horrendous...thats the thing I miss the most about Muar..apart from the people and the food. Asam fish, chicken rice balls, 6 taste tong sui...

I have so many things to update/blog about! New makan places I've been to, Perhentian..ooh yes, I've finally been to a beach. :):):)

I hope i finally restart blogging. :)

Update

Writing with an empty stomach, my GI system must have been totally consumed by hydrochloric acid by now -.-

Random thoughts yesterday - I have grown, even if it is just a little. for instance, I no longer ask things that I do not want to know about. For example : Who hates me?

I used to wanna know. Inquisitive me, perhaps. ...I've lost track of my thoughts, talking to people around me. Anyway, the point is this - so what if I knew who hates me? Will it change who I am? Should I change who I am for them? If I live for others, I'll never be happy; because I cannot ever please the whole entire world. There are so many types of people in this world, we're bound to step on someone's feet. Thats why most of the time I keep my nose (or try to) out of other's business. And try keep to myself.

Life...Is not easy, especially growing up. You realize that it is just a whole bunch of responsibilities and complicated relationships. 

A bunch of thoughts

A month later (wait, make that 2) and yes, I'm back with an emo post.

Ah! Life. Don't get me wrong...God has been really good and has blessed me so, so much. He blessed me with a dinner with my loved ones at the luxurious Ben's at Publika noy just once but twice; and another trip to singapore with free accommodation and 2 A Reserve tickets to watch Wicked the musical, which is admitedly, really good. Despite the hickups... God is and always has been good.

Just finished my clinical exam for medicine today. And make no mistake, when the lecturer said "I think you did well" (which somewhat mirrored the exam the last time), I'm really not sure if she was just trying to placade me. Because when I looked back, there were really things that I din't know and din't answer correctly. Made me realise, yet again, how woefully little I know in medicine!

Again, its the time of the semester when everyone is scrambling to change groupings. Perhaps due to my OCD-ness, I always find it hard to adjust to new environment. I secretly (and maybe not so secretly) think I have prolonged adjustment disorder each time. I can't help but feeling stressed in a "new environment",despite it being the same 100 (rotating) batchmates. It really is hard for me get used to a new place/people, and when I finally settle down...Things move on again. Way too fast for my liking :(
Its time like this when I really miss my best buds, esp the one in Leeds uni. I remember how we used to be inseparable, and I imagine that if she is here, we will probably be inseparable. We'll probably push each other to talk to patients etc, which probably will be better for each other :P She'll probably layan my lame jokes and antics, we'll probably sushi every other day. Nah, I kid. (Sushi is expensive!!!)

But yes. Its not that I'm not happy with my life. In fact, I have no reason to be, God has blessed me so. Perhaps, me, just like many others are falling into the trap of evying others life, or thinking "what if". But if you watch grey's anatomy a few episodes ago, they say that things would ultimately have played out the same way. Perhaps its true, coz nothing that happens is "incidental"; it is all permitted, crafted by God. And eventhough I may not see the plan at the moment, God can already see the end...

So yeah. Maybe I just need to sort out my feelings. Of the past and the present, because the past cannot be reproduced, and the present is ahead and holds much at stake. The memories of the past should serve more to brighten my dark days, not make me feel emo and longing. (Although, like I said, its hard for me to "move on". I am perhaps moving with the flow while subconciously trying to fight it.) The memories that I shared with the people I love and cherish evermore need to always be stored in that precious little corner of my brain, while I trudge on bravely. And may I remind myself, that I am never, ever alone( although many a time I may feel so).

Nowadays I find myself wondering many many times why I chose medicine. I'm not the only one. Discussing it during skype one day, my bestie and I agreed that if time were to be turned back, we would still have made the choice we made. How stupid right? To fight with the 7802560602589568263 people whom blindly choose medicine not knowing the amount of sacrifice, the amount of sweat, tears and heartache, and the somewhat bleak future for the medical profession that is slowly losing its prestige. To be one of the small fry that does all the work with a "glamourous"( actually, the lowest ranking, lower than amoeba in the food chain) name; to battle the workload and mounting pressure and if more serious, depression. To have more dark days than good, and not being sure what there is to look forward to. Call me a pessimist, but if you, like me are purely average(or less than that), you know that life is hard as you compete with the thousands and millions of braniacs who have chosen the same profession as you.

But as I pour out my frustrations, I am reminded by a loved and honoured person in my life, that my life is in God's hands. Promotion, whether fair or not. Welfare. Future. And more. God has and will pull me through the darkest days of my life. Because though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. And I always, always need to remind myself that the constant in this life is not death or tax (you have conquered them all), but You. That one day I can look forward to resting in Your house, and celebrating with You forevermore.

When the music fades, all is stripped away, and I simply come. Longing just to bring, something, something thats of worth, that will bless  your heart. 

Saw many of my juniors prom photos. Ah, those were the times. I love them (Still) and miss them so much. But I think that they have moved on in life. I miss hanging out with them, sharing each other's life story; I miss making them brush each others teeth while singing "old McDonalds  had a farm" with foam flowing from their mouths. I miss being the "guinea pig" while they made me up for my prom, trying on diff shoes , different shades of makeup. I miss all the lunches and the library hangouts, I miss talking about everything under the sun.

Not that I love my current housemates any less. When the Seremban chapter is over and done with, I know I'll also miss them, since people are moving away and nothing is confirmed. When everyone is in different places doing housemanship. But I'll always remember and miss most the time and the energy, and the heart invested into different people's lives.

And although I don't know how they are doing, they seem to be doing just fine. And even if they may(or have) forgotten me and that I am no longer a part of their lives, if there is one thing I want them to know is that I love them and will always miss them, and they have been an amazing part of my life where I wouldn't trade them for anyone else.

Service with a Smile . . . Not

So I sent my poor lappy to the Asus Service Centre @ SPS building, Jalan Imbi this morning, after years of it having a broken hinge and a cracked LCD cover. There goes RM250 . . .

The thing that I found out today was a little surprising to me. (NO Offence meant to ANYONE at all, this is my blog and my observation). The guy attending to me was a foreigner, Caucasian, probably German. Anyway, he WASN'T FRIENDLY AT ALL. You know how the saying goes "service with a smile"? This was the totally OPPOSITE.

Told my dad bout what I noticed, and he told me that actually,  this is one of the classic "real westerners", whom mostly are cold and not friendly, especially to us Asians. In fact, I recall that he and my mum told me last time when they invited people over for lunch, "2.30pm" meant 2.30pm, and if you came say, an hour, even 15 mins earlier, they'll make you wait outside the door.

I guess whatever grouses I have with our country, the one thing I love about this place is the people. I'm always impressed when different races interact with politeness, like recently how the Malay ladies from the roadside hawker stall said "terima kasih" (thank you) with such sincerity after I bought a burger  that it makes my day.

So yeah, this guy who attended to me was pure businesslike, minus the courtesy and smile. Sigh . . . I could go on ranting but whatever, this isn't want I really want.

Today, I see one of the sides of Asians that are rare in the "developed world". I see the warmth, the genuine care that we have for one another, like when I saw an old Indian lady help a paraplegic Chinese man place a pillow at his side in the hospital, treating him as one of her own.

This is what we're supposed to be. The world will know you when you love your neighbour. How true.

August

Things I've acheived this holidays:

(Mostly) playing games
cleared up the bags on the floor (wait theres one more)
I dunno, play more games? Alice greenfingers, youda farmer, texas poker...
o ya, learn how to play poker and chor dai dee

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On another note, my bro is back from India. happy to see him of course. Secretly thinking that he as a 1st year (first semester!) manipal med student is much better (at least theoretically) than me! I know I can't compare with his knowledge in anatomy, physiology, biochemistry, embryology... (wait that's everything..)

Such a depressing feeling I tell you.

*********************************************************************
But on a happy note, I've passed my year 4(halfway through actually) exams! so I've got 1.5 years more to go officially. All glory to Him, not by my might but by His grace. And of course my dad, who drilled me like crazy. And the support of all my friends and family and loved ones (you know who you are). thank you for listening to me rant all the time /emo / fret (thanks Sam) and being there for me; for guiding me (and talking also la :P ) through osce practice sessions (Thanks Sook Cheng and ever faithful Shane) and everyone whom I missed out (like those I jz random msged (fifi etc). And special thanks to the wonderful seniors like Christy and Priscilla and Szu May that really helped us in the last week (read: few days before exam) for OSCE. I think I learnt most of my osce in the last week..lol.

***********************************************************************

I think everyone has issues to sort out, stuff that are always at the back of ones mind. its just how one does it, how the end result will be. just pensive over some stuff. I guess I'll remember the serenity prayer -

Learning to trust the Hand who holds the plans and the future.

Close 2 exams

Its close to exams (Again), and I's supposed to be studying. BUT, I'm distracted. just can't concentrate, can't tahan the fact that i chose not to go for the "Extra class" this morning which was 2.5hrs and was supposedly very helpful.arrgh. ah well. whats done can't be undone..im not in harry potter world.

A friend was telling me about a lecturer's outburst on the recent protesting in KL, and was "aiming her anger towards the non malays". at the same time, she said the young generation only knows how to complain, only knows how to yell "migrate"... "u don't wanna stay, you blah je" (basically, go away) "see which country wants to accept you". for me, the demonstatrators were just making a statement, standing up for what they believe in. People used to say that the young generation doesn't care. Now that they do, they do it loud and strong. For me, I feel that a lecturer (or anyone for that matter) should never outrightly judge and condemn others for their choices...its simply unprofessional to say the very least. especially someone in the education field. You can vent your anger, but not like that, no?

So yeah, stuff like that used to bother me. Now, I just tell others that "we bring it out through actions - the ballot box". thats our responsibility, thats what we can and should do.

I had a fb friend who wrote on her status ".. Who the hell changed the name Tanah Melayu to Malaysia? Things wouldn't have become so difficult to explain if the name of the country itself was never changed." if you ask me, this statement is downright ...I'm not gonna say it here lah. Enough to say that to many parts of the world, the other colours skin will always be "Pendatang" who is here to "Steal their stuff - land money position etc". And there were a couple of "likes" on the status.

I should study. Bye.

- Emo Post Alert -

I'm not sure if I'm able to put all my heart feels into words anymore...but here goes. And its something that's so jumbled up in my mind. Many somethings.

I feel utterly stressed. EOS 7 in less than a month, 22 days or so. I don't know how to do 7 postings worth of revision in like, less than a month, including OSCE practice etc. I honestly don't. I don't know where to start. I always make "timetables" that I fall really short of - I can barely do even half of what I set out to do.

The "die la" mentality is always, always playing at the back of my mind. I know it's not good, but sometimes, I think its an asian thing. I try to comfort myself..but it doesn't seem to work.

I'm the ultimate time waster and I know it, and hate myself for it. The many times I told myself "I'll try again" to fail again and again.

Looking back at facebook pictures, there is some part deep inside me that is sorta stirred. u know the feeling of looking back at certain photos that bring back lots and lots of memories, sweet, and at the same time painful and occasionally, bitter..although there's no "what if's" in this case instead a sense of acceptance, the heart still can't bring itself to fully "Get over" the phase, and each time something just triggers that memory, the heart will be sent sprawling back once again...

I guess you never "move on" some things, you just chuck it at the back of your mind and put on a brave smile to face tomorrow, to face the world where work and productivity calls, where emotions are(or should be) left aside. and i know tomorrow this will just be part of history, just like yesterday, the days and years before it... leaving behind nothing but memories, bits and pieces of what once was...

I'm not someone who is multitalented, or even talented. it was really hard adapting each time to a new condition, new environment. adjusting one's identity from who 1 thinks 1 was to tailor to the situation, to make oneself be able to adjust, to fit in. who doesn't wish he/she could sing crazy good? who doesn't wish studying was "a piece of cake, just like snapping one's fingers"? i wish i could. but im neither that, nor am i an artist, a dancer etc. i'm just a part of the world that doesn't make a difference even if I werent here; basically, im disposable off. thats probably the harsh reality of life.

I'm not even trying to garner votes from my "self pity". its just the stone cold truth that when you fall down, many times most will just run past you.without any regard. for the rest of the time, 1's facade outside will "pull" 1 through...at least for a while.

Father God, I guess its not easy really struggling alone (or so I think), where I'm not sure whether I'll make it through the next study hurdle, I'm not sure if tomorrow I'll remember again the past, what once was, I know in this world, I  am but nobody...perhaps just remind me Abba Father, that I'm beautifully and wonderfully made in Your image, and that You love me and died on the cross for me. remind me that You made me beautiful, You made me perfect in Your sight, remind me that Lord You were d 1 who pulled me through, You will pull me through again, again , and again. I don't live in this world to please others but You Lord.remind me that You did not put a spirit of fear in me but a spirit of good cheer, of courage and a sound mind.Amen.

and after the heavy rain, if there is refraction of light you'll see a beautiful rainbow...and if the heart is finally still perhaps one will see that grace shines through, enough for tomorrow...

the same power that conquers the grave lives in me.

i think psychiatry draws me nuts, +the piling stress from everything. But as again,I'll have to learn to trust...

Sem 7

And so, Sem 7 beckons this monday. Starting the posting ob-gy aka obstetrics and gynecology.


And not too sure if its something I really look forward to.

19 th Jan 11

Today was a good day.

SOPD (Surgical Outpatient Department) we had about 8 cases or so, and all were pretty interesting. It was a wide variety of stuff where you finally go "ooh, yeah I know bout this!" in a day. And I was happily flipping through past Ultrasound scans of normal and pathological images of kidneys, bladders, prostate... falalalala

Then had MacD for lunch - I probably wouldn't go back there in a long time...everything has shrunken in size. not worth the money d lah >:( ...then went and got SHOES!!! :D something that I like, and at a cheap aka reasonable price I would pay for. Makes the pair of shoes I bought last Sat (a few days ago) look ex(pensive) lah. But cant un-buy the first...so whatever lah! :D

Then had suturing class. Loved it - it rocks! Suturing on chicken skin with surgical stuff...haha love the feel :D 

Went for badminton but was pretty much tired out at the end of the day. Ah well, a day well spent :) 

Till next time

December...or whats left of it?

No...this place isn't dead :D

Its just that mua has been busy, and many things /events have been happening.

Can't believe December shot by...got what, 2 days left?

Lets just say...mua needs to buck up. Like, seriously. Or else can throw myself into the ocean.

So yeah. Been experimenting on lots and lots of food, from chinese to western. I actually like cooking, using the oven...:D the only pains include preparation (like washing every leaf of each vege) and waiting for food to defrost because I am oh so impatient.

On my side, I've just started surgery. well, 2nd week into surgery already. Still feel like a rookie / noob/ newbie, apa pun tak tahu...






All things work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purposes...

Packing

Packing

Sooky is right...closer to exams / when we're stressed out bout something our usage of facebook/ blogposts increase. It is as if stress is proportionate to Facebook / blogging :P

Been somewhat packing today. Sorting out clothes to bring to Seremban. True, I may not have so much problem (like luggage weight prob) like those going overseas...but I still do have to pack and its not easy. "Splitting" oneself, the memories, the everything into half...Somewhat. I'm just not sure what to expect. Sighs.

Tomorrow night we're having a farewell dinner for those UK bound people whom are leaving in these 2 weeks. A sense of lingering sadness, of fondness of the many memories shared. Why is it that people always have to leave??

And Thursday night, is my own "Farewell" with my beloved "juniors". I've took them as my friends all these while. Apparently the venue hasn't been set yet since a current head count of 64 people are going. If you ask me thats crazy...Its like having a mini wedding reception :O Talk bout when one REALLY gets married :-O
I don't know how one person is gonna talk to like , 60+ people at a time. SIMPLY IMPOSSIBLE. Lol. haha.

The crazy things we do. 

I'm...gonna miss these people. These people who have brightened my days, these people who kacau me puas puas, these people whom I love and love me too. These people whom I have opened my heart and shared my life with. It is not goodbye...coz good friends stay together through the years, distance and time notwithstanding...

My very first (and last?) treasure hunt in IMU BJ. 

...My room is in an utter mess... Just like the condition of my heart. 

Embracing August...

And before I know it, 1/4 of August has passed. Very very soon its gonna be end of August, which also signifies the end of my holidays...and the start of a grinding 2.5 years in Seremban as a clinical student. One step closer to the doctor I've always wanted to be...but I can only imagine(for now) the amount of grueling training and the immense sacrifice we the students will have to make. Having said that, I'm only the wee-est(if there is such a word) bit excited. Most of me just does not know what to expect, what to anticipate.

What have I been doing for the past 1 week? "mourning" for my lost stuff. Hence the sounding from Fifi telling me "I wanna see a happy post, I don't care if lame". But the fact is that those were my most prized possessions...  how to not feel sad over them?

NEARLY am at the "last phase" of sorting out accommodation issues in my future house. Fingers crossed, will be signing the tenancy agreement this coming week. Then there is the issue of furniture...like the fridge. To get a 1 door fridge? and bed frame etc etc etc? haha. and the proper "moving in". So yes, time to get busy busy busy again...

Plans this week : hoping to  make a trip down to either PD aka the polluted seas of port dickson(unless we can find a not polluted one...any ideas? or a Melaka trip(for the food lah, duh). Not exactly going there to see Mahsuri / the A Famosa / the whats-it-called-i can't remember drain well XD Sorry lah, but seen once seen twice don't fancy it thrice. Or maybe the famous jonker street? we shall see :)

Till then...I'm gonna "enjoy" the rest of my hols... (Don't get me wrong, I really do find this it-doesn't-matter-what-time-I-wake-up and no-101-notes-to-finish life a rare bliss :P )

Finally Updated

Warning: long post ahead. Not worth wasting time over.

Have been meaning to blog for some time now, but as I can see from the co13ra blog, my last update was more than 2 weeks ago.

Am at the “I’m not sure what to write” stage. I mean yeah, there are things I wanna blog about, but I’m not sure how I could ever write it out, express it in a way I want it to.

Lets start with something light then. I got a haircut. Which is nothing out of the norm, except that this time, everyone noticed (compared to the every time last few years). =.= reason being my fringe is short this time…Really short. Got various comments, from ok…to nice / modern to punk /rockstar and the most “cute” one…like little girl. Hahaha. Not sure how I’m supposed to react to this one. :P

MSK has officially been not very kind to me. I’m still bout 9 or so notes away from the completion of the system. The same goes for GI and Renal system. Talk bout discipline. Time REALLY flies when one is REALLY reading notes. Oh, it flies just as fast when I chill/ facebook/ daydream. Lolz

Library was relatively quiet today. Not so empty, but quieter. The library sound machine took a break I guess? Haha. Fell asleep on the muscles notes by SMM. Dislike. Thought I’ll be fine after that, but who knows I still fell asleep in front of the Dean during pbl (He’s the faci). Geez. Talk bout my body NOT being cooperative. Thank God I wasn’t embarrassed / he din’t make it embarrassing for me. For that I am thankful. Even lecture this morning despite it being one hour I still zoned out and went fishing =.=

Many people have noticed that I was not my usual self for the past I’m not sure how long. I know I held it in a lot. Many issues and thoughts on my mind, ranging from studies and more were just playing back in my mind like an mp3 set on repeat on. At first I din’t try to hide it, but then last week I decided that I’m gonna smile irregardless. Which apparently didn’t work as I’m an open book. My mother always tells me I’m super transparent in the sense I can’t mask my true feelings inside. What to do? I’m always true to myself. Although I wish I were a better actor :/

I’m not sure if I can bring myself to speak of some of the issues badgering me. But it actually took a part of me, so to speak. Not just once, not just twice, but thrice if I’m not mistaken did it even manifest in my dreams, for me to wake up and realize that it was but a dream. Apparently people usually don’t remember dreams unless its vivid or it means something to the person…I can remember mine.

Despite it being a decision I made knowing full well the aftermath, I still struggled. And I still do struggle deep inside. The many times I swallowed it in, consoled myself… the many times I told myself that the decision can’t be undone and is for the sake of not merely myself, but for a reason. The fact that it will affect others as well, and that’s the least I can do to not be selfish.

There are also certain soft spots, as I call it. Some were receptive enough to pick it up, and ingeniously “provoked” me into speaking it out. Albeit the scene wasn’t pretty, it was marred with much… I shall not continue to elaborate.

People have always been one of the biggest motivations I live for. Despite the fact that it is true the world has many types of people, and I daresay more superficial people than not who judge you by first impression…but I have always made it a point for me to try my best to not be that. To not judge for it is not my position to do so, but merely to love the person(s), and let that person know him or her holds a special place in this world and in the people’s hearts around him or her. For that reason I’ve always involved myself in activities that would allow me to know more people that I may touch their lives…knowing that on the way it somewhat destroys myself as the unbearable thought of parting never leaves my mind.

For that reason I’ve been wondering sometimes if I made the right choice. To know some awesome people knowing that I’ll end up being part of them but having to part later on. But for me, it was never a wrong choice. It was always a matter of how I would deal with it, that’s all. Some people always say why bother? You know you’re gonna have to leave, its all temporary. Perhaps, I say, perhaps. I know I may not be significant, but with that little bit that I am, I truly hope I made a little bit of a difference, by getting to know them, but joining in because the best way to love someone is to participate and be yourself + bring whatever one has to the table. Not that I want much…I just want them all to know that they will always have each other (and me, who will always be there, just not physically like before)…and that the friends who care for you and is a friend indeed is worth keeping and fighting for.

How much do you mean to me? I’ll answer this way - I would be honoured to lay down my life for each and every one of you. That’s how much you mean to me.

I’ll always be reminiscing the many (and countless) good times – the times messing around at the piano, just talking “nonsense” with each other, sharing our good / bad moments, sharing each other’s joy/ sorrow. Viva. Makan times. Walking along the escalator or in the lifts. Arguing whose the best _______(insert own argument here). Planning for the most random things such as ball make up etc. The calling of names that makes no sense. (Seriously…mangkuk? :O ) ; The joanne-athon times that had the sun shining down unmercifully on us. Tie days. Yelling out our cheer(s) like nobody else is present there. Singing on the bus / in the car with out out-of-tune voices. The many many pointless messages. The celebration of each others birthdays. And the list will only grow longer. :)

I’m not sure I can ever be fully prepared. Its just like entering into a new semester each time – you anticipate, you think you know what to expect…but you never fully comprehend it until you’re really properly there. I saw something that a good friend of mine, Dip posted on his facebook status last night – “Everybody’s afraid. The one who says otherwise is either a liar, or dead.” And frankly, though like many, I’ll never say it out loud – yes I am afraid. For I do not see what the future holds in front of me. I can’t see past the week; I can’t see past the night even. But its gonna be faith that leads me to trudge on. And love, because perfect love casts out fear. I’m just gonna take what I have, and whom I am, and walk straight ahead. And remember that there’re always gonna be another mountain, but I’m always gonna wanna make it move. And the fact that I’m never alone. Never ever.  Irregardless of what I feel or think.

…The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is still there. Fingers crossed. :/

Yeah, you thought right, this post took me an hour. And I hope none of you made it this far (I know people’s dislike towards long texts, which I’m hoping to catalyze upon to not read this post :D ). Random stuff: Nervous system module has 38 notes. I’m only done with what, 1 ? I havn’t ran for 2 weeks now. I’m wondering if I should. I borrowed 3 books from the library, in hope that it will aid me in my understanding of nervous system. We shall see. I lost my comb. Again :/ the thing I lose the most is my comb. How many combs I buy in a year all go missing. Its just that force that seems to want us apart…like how water is not soluble in lipid and vice versa :/ which isn’t aided by the fact that I prefer using my own comb over others, anytime.

On a colourful note, I (apparently) was the first non-indian (in IMU) to help out with the kolam decoration for the ICS Chithirai Puthandu(Tamil new year)  and Vaisakhi Celebration. It was a colourfully-messy business, with my hands to my fingernails soiled with orange and red buncho colour *runs around in glee chasing mangkuk* Haha but yeah. Sobana is a fantastic designer. Oh, and Shane helped out too! Like I like to put it - I'm colour blind :) So I yeah. Ironic huh :P 
But it was definitely a fun experience. Given my love for colours and arts and crafts :D

A whole load of jumbled up stuff

A whole load of jumbled up stuff 

Am feeling so dead tired at the moment. Nervous system is seriously sucking the life outa me. Not that I don't find it interesting...I do. but the lectures are all so so dense. On top of that, I'm 5 weeks to summatives and I'm not even touching MSK. Still got +- 8 notes in GI and renal just started off very slowly. I 'm NOT thrilled. 

Today I officially was relieved of my duties from Hydra House as its first secretary along with another super responsible and enthusiastic friend, Sook Yee. I'm glad that both of us managed to carry out our jobs well (I hope , at least). It was quite a bit of work initially, admittedly. And during the house cup, I had darts to worry about, and it took up a HUGE chunk of my time. I highly doubt I'll be doing it if I were in semester 5. I wish the new committee nothing but the best. But from the looks of it, it should be a good team and a good year ahead for Hydra. 

Hospital visit yesterday was...ok I guess. We met a patient with A HOST of problems. Its like whatever we ask he'll have positive "signs" (this pain that pain). but he was 81 years old, and an active sportsmen. When we asked him to bend down and touch his toes (as part of the Physical examination of the spine) , he said "1, 2, 3,4, 5, 6 you all challenge me? " in a joking tone...and bent down ALL THE WAY to touch the ground with ease. LEGS STRAIGHT. we were stunned. Later on when we tried ourselves we were not able to do it, and on top of that, was complaining of pain :P shame on us young people? 

At the same time, it was the 2nd time this semester going for hospital visit and having to stand for long hours. I really don't know how I'm to survive clinical school, especially the long hours standing and the early hours waking and late hours sleeping. Beats me. I often wonder how people do it...

And time and again I'm reminded by various things on how little time I have left in IMU BJ. Random friends status updates; the relieving of duties from the house; seeing my semester 1 juniors starting to study and semester 2 and 3 juniors studying hard...Many many things just trigger this thought and I can't help but sink into a basin of pensiveness. At least for a while. How have I done? Have I made a fool of myself? Have I hurt  more other's feelings more than I have made another happy? 

No one is indispensable, that I know. I don't expect people to remember me once I've left, but if there's one thing I hope I did, I hope I made someone feel that they are loved, no strings attached. I hope I did something that cheered up someone's day. I hope I was never stingy with hugs or time for any other friend. I hope I gave them reason to see why they are beautiful , special ,and one of a kind.

I am falling asleep. As usual , I sleep way before I want to. Today was not so productive. Tomorrow got pbl (research not done yet), and going for a run. That I'm looking forward to somehow. 

bummed and goodbyes

I seriously felt really really bummed today. It was just a miss - missing my juniors Co13ra's performance and the ball table arrangement thingy.

I have decided to go for ball. and by some funny co-incidence, I decided I din't need to talk to jade coz I thought we were seated at the back already. If only I had approached Jade earlier. Then I would have saved myself a little bit of heartache of being placed near the pharmacy opposite our batch. that was an ok location I guess. just mad that I wasn't proactive enough.

Then there was dress code ii by my orientation group. Geeks vs freaks. the thing is , a few of us were coming back from MidValley, and the event was supposed to start at 7pm. traditionally, the event never starts early. so we reached back with a few minutes to spare...rushed up to think we had made it....only to find out minutes later that the grand start (our group was the first for the day) had been made.

I was totally bummed. It was really hard for me to stay back for orientation stuffs this time, owing to the fact that I'm semester 5 and that my parents weren't entirely happy (like naturally) ...and the time I actually join them for an event, I just missed it!!The sore spot really egged at my heart and I was really really bummed. Like really really.

But these are little things. And they pass. Today I can cry - and smile in the same day. Because I have much to be grateful for. I have friends I love to bits and would give my life for. I have memories that I will cherish for always. Sometimes people say that 'why get to know people if you know you're only gonna say goodbye? ' I thought bout it so many times before...but I say why not? even if you're gonna know that person for a year or 2. maybe months. maybe days . even if you face the word heart wrenching word of goodbye everyday.

the most sucky part bout a journey is parting. maybe temporary, maybe permanent. but in that precious time, u could gain a friend; you could get to leave a mark / footprint/ legacy in this person's life. You get to love this precious live , and be loved in return. For me at least - that's what I feel.

And if I had a choice between knowing someone a few months and being able to make a difference in the person's life - but face the sucky prospects of partings and teary goodbye's later - or to not go ahead and just stay surface and shallow / dont really get to know the person - I would choose the former. Hurts maybe, but at least I know I've done all I could to make the person's life hopefully a brighter one. To know someone loves and cares for him/ her. To look back one day and say hey, I hope I made this person smile. And that the person might feel like some someone genuinely cared and loved for him/her , no strings attached. At least for a moment...at least.

Maybe saying goodbye is not easy
But just maybe it is necessary
It is the memories we share

The times we spent together
The lessons we learnt from another
This is what makes life worthwhile

Having you in my life
Having shared our tears and joy
Sorrows and success

If i dont have tomorrow
I want you to know
How much u mean to me
How much your life you've shared with me

If we never meet again
Thank you for yr presence
For sharing this journey of my life
For sharing with me the greatest feeling
Of love and being loved
Thank you for making that difference
In my life

The week has passed by pretty fast. Orientation mostly, and some random stuffs.


Sometimes one wonders where one's standing is in her little world, in her world of contacts, the people she passes each day. What difference she makes in their lives, or its better if she din exist.


The things she does. Making a fool of herself all the time. Trying to go all the way, while wondering if she's too naggy. It's sometimes quite frustrating to be in the people line, because they can elicit many types of response, some of them less enthralling. Its frustrating when one gets ignored for a mistake not of her own. Even if it is her own...Giving the cold shoulder is not the right way, no? But perhaps I have been doing that too? Walking past many people sometimes not even saying hi... Whats the point of pointless hi byes?


And the basic struggles everyone goes through. Conflict. When what one wants, is not the same as the ones overseeing one's life. I feel , for one that all of us are different

Happy 200+ posts.
feeling emo today
not sure why
I din know I blogged so much.
Feel like I hit rock bottom... emotions and hope and all
I am just...tired? frustrated?
Just random rambling on this post.
I miss the fun times of the past... find myself just drifting away so many times...
I feel bit disconnected. esp when I'm alone.
General malaise I think.
you know some of pple's remarks are really hurtful.
you don't know how much my heart is crying right now.
Coupled with the ups and downs of the moods and emotions.
Air mata bergelut di tepi kelopak. Tangisan hatiku tak kedengaran.
Did I really lose myself this much?
PBL tomorrow. Combined. No idea bout the next learning issue -____-
Probably its true that when you start growing,you start thinking.
I want it to be beneficial thinking...
Its 12.30 am already....
I know I'm gonna surface from the storm. Bit by bit if need be.
Life doesn't just revolve around this. I know.
I'm still sitting here...
To escape into the Santuary that reminds me that I'm His and His alone...
To be reminded that my self worth is found in Him.
To remember to cling on to Him,even when faith doesn't make sense...