Sunday, July 17, 2011

- Emo Post Alert -

I'm not sure if I'm able to put all my heart feels into words anymore...but here goes. And its something that's so jumbled up in my mind. Many somethings.

I feel utterly stressed. EOS 7 in less than a month, 22 days or so. I don't know how to do 7 postings worth of revision in like, less than a month, including OSCE practice etc. I honestly don't. I don't know where to start. I always make "timetables" that I fall really short of - I can barely do even half of what I set out to do.

The "die la" mentality is always, always playing at the back of my mind. I know it's not good, but sometimes, I think its an asian thing. I try to comfort myself..but it doesn't seem to work.

I'm the ultimate time waster and I know it, and hate myself for it. The many times I told myself "I'll try again" to fail again and again.

Looking back at facebook pictures, there is some part deep inside me that is sorta stirred. u know the feeling of looking back at certain photos that bring back lots and lots of memories, sweet, and at the same time painful and occasionally, bitter..although there's no "what if's" in this case instead a sense of acceptance, the heart still can't bring itself to fully "Get over" the phase, and each time something just triggers that memory, the heart will be sent sprawling back once again...

I guess you never "move on" some things, you just chuck it at the back of your mind and put on a brave smile to face tomorrow, to face the world where work and productivity calls, where emotions are(or should be) left aside. and i know tomorrow this will just be part of history, just like yesterday, the days and years before it... leaving behind nothing but memories, bits and pieces of what once was...

I'm not someone who is multitalented, or even talented. it was really hard adapting each time to a new condition, new environment. adjusting one's identity from who 1 thinks 1 was to tailor to the situation, to make oneself be able to adjust, to fit in. who doesn't wish he/she could sing crazy good? who doesn't wish studying was "a piece of cake, just like snapping one's fingers"? i wish i could. but im neither that, nor am i an artist, a dancer etc. i'm just a part of the world that doesn't make a difference even if I werent here; basically, im disposable off. thats probably the harsh reality of life.

I'm not even trying to garner votes from my "self pity". its just the stone cold truth that when you fall down, many times most will just run past you.without any regard. for the rest of the time, 1's facade outside will "pull" 1 least for a while.

Father God, I guess its not easy really struggling alone (or so I think), where I'm not sure whether I'll make it through the next study hurdle, I'm not sure if tomorrow I'll remember again the past, what once was, I know in this world, I  am but nobody...perhaps just remind me Abba Father, that I'm beautifully and wonderfully made in Your image, and that You love me and died on the cross for me. remind me that You made me beautiful, You made me perfect in Your sight, remind me that Lord You were d 1 who pulled me through, You will pull me through again, again , and again. I don't live in this world to please others but You Lord.remind me that You did not put a spirit of fear in me but a spirit of good cheer, of courage and a sound mind.Amen.

and after the heavy rain, if there is refraction of light you'll see a beautiful rainbow...and if the heart is finally still perhaps one will see that grace shines through, enough for tomorrow...

the same power that conquers the grave lives in me.

i think psychiatry draws me nuts, +the piling stress from everything. But as again,I'll have to learn to trust...

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