Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Close 2 exams

Its close to exams (Again), and I's supposed to be studying. BUT, I'm distracted. just can't concentrate, can't tahan the fact that i chose not to go for the "Extra class" this morning which was 2.5hrs and was supposedly very helpful.arrgh. ah well. whats done can't be not in harry potter world.

A friend was telling me about a lecturer's outburst on the recent protesting in KL, and was "aiming her anger towards the non malays". at the same time, she said the young generation only knows how to complain, only knows how to yell "migrate"... "u don't wanna stay, you blah je" (basically, go away) "see which country wants to accept you". for me, the demonstatrators were just making a statement, standing up for what they believe in. People used to say that the young generation doesn't care. Now that they do, they do it loud and strong. For me, I feel that a lecturer (or anyone for that matter) should never outrightly judge and condemn others for their choices...its simply unprofessional to say the very least. especially someone in the education field. You can vent your anger, but not like that, no?

So yeah, stuff like that used to bother me. Now, I just tell others that "we bring it out through actions - the ballot box". thats our responsibility, thats what we can and should do.

I had a fb friend who wrote on her status ".. Who the hell changed the name Tanah Melayu to Malaysia? Things wouldn't have become so difficult to explain if the name of the country itself was never changed." if you ask me, this statement is downright ...I'm not gonna say it here lah. Enough to say that to many parts of the world, the other colours skin will always be "Pendatang" who is here to "Steal their stuff - land money position etc". And there were a couple of "likes" on the status.

I should study. Bye.

Sunday, July 17, 2011


Father God,

rain down Your peace and just presence, breathe in me. Sustain me through each day Abba Father, help me take 1 thing at a time, 1 day at a time.

Target today:
5 case summaries,
1 chapter apleys
1 psychiatry topic
- Emo Post Alert -

I'm not sure if I'm able to put all my heart feels into words anymore...but here goes. And its something that's so jumbled up in my mind. Many somethings.

I feel utterly stressed. EOS 7 in less than a month, 22 days or so. I don't know how to do 7 postings worth of revision in like, less than a month, including OSCE practice etc. I honestly don't. I don't know where to start. I always make "timetables" that I fall really short of - I can barely do even half of what I set out to do.

The "die la" mentality is always, always playing at the back of my mind. I know it's not good, but sometimes, I think its an asian thing. I try to comfort myself..but it doesn't seem to work.

I'm the ultimate time waster and I know it, and hate myself for it. The many times I told myself "I'll try again" to fail again and again.

Looking back at facebook pictures, there is some part deep inside me that is sorta stirred. u know the feeling of looking back at certain photos that bring back lots and lots of memories, sweet, and at the same time painful and occasionally, bitter..although there's no "what if's" in this case instead a sense of acceptance, the heart still can't bring itself to fully "Get over" the phase, and each time something just triggers that memory, the heart will be sent sprawling back once again...

I guess you never "move on" some things, you just chuck it at the back of your mind and put on a brave smile to face tomorrow, to face the world where work and productivity calls, where emotions are(or should be) left aside. and i know tomorrow this will just be part of history, just like yesterday, the days and years before it... leaving behind nothing but memories, bits and pieces of what once was...

I'm not someone who is multitalented, or even talented. it was really hard adapting each time to a new condition, new environment. adjusting one's identity from who 1 thinks 1 was to tailor to the situation, to make oneself be able to adjust, to fit in. who doesn't wish he/she could sing crazy good? who doesn't wish studying was "a piece of cake, just like snapping one's fingers"? i wish i could. but im neither that, nor am i an artist, a dancer etc. i'm just a part of the world that doesn't make a difference even if I werent here; basically, im disposable off. thats probably the harsh reality of life.

I'm not even trying to garner votes from my "self pity". its just the stone cold truth that when you fall down, many times most will just run past you.without any regard. for the rest of the time, 1's facade outside will "pull" 1 least for a while.

Father God, I guess its not easy really struggling alone (or so I think), where I'm not sure whether I'll make it through the next study hurdle, I'm not sure if tomorrow I'll remember again the past, what once was, I know in this world, I  am but nobody...perhaps just remind me Abba Father, that I'm beautifully and wonderfully made in Your image, and that You love me and died on the cross for me. remind me that You made me beautiful, You made me perfect in Your sight, remind me that Lord You were d 1 who pulled me through, You will pull me through again, again , and again. I don't live in this world to please others but You Lord.remind me that You did not put a spirit of fear in me but a spirit of good cheer, of courage and a sound mind.Amen.

and after the heavy rain, if there is refraction of light you'll see a beautiful rainbow...and if the heart is finally still perhaps one will see that grace shines through, enough for tomorrow...

the same power that conquers the grave lives in me.

i think psychiatry draws me nuts, +the piling stress from everything. But as again,I'll have to learn to trust...

Sunday, July 3, 2011


I can't believe its July!!! 1 month to the big EOS 7 :S *jiayou mode on, if there's such a thing*

and i officially have a "dent" in my previous "memories" - I've got no post at all for the month of June. Maybe I could (I know I can) post 1 backdated, but seriously no point.. but it goes to show that Life here has been bz bz bz...

will post more in august. pinky promises *stares around at this dusty place, where no shadows of any human presence are in sight*