Struggles

My blog has been like, dead. For at least a few years, and I know it.

During these times, I feel like I've changed alot - from the assertive, confident , bashful me to a less certain, wishy-washy, constantly apologoising me. I've changed, and I don't know if it is for the better.

I used to think I know what comes next, I know what to expect, and I know what life is about( How ignorant and how arrogant). However, as life throws me curveballs, I become more uncertain as time passes me by, leaving me confused, muddled and torn inside. I can picture a pile of scrap trying to piece itself together but failing miserably.

I used to write thinking someone will read. Now I don't anymore, no one visits this dead blog anyway.

Now I know why people say that adult life is messy, is confusing, is about scheming... etc. How I long for the innocence of childlike faith. How I long to bee that look up and see only 1 option and know that that is the one for me.

I'm however, grateful. Grateful because I have God , grateful because I have my family, grateful to have my ever loving and ever supporting other half. Grateful that he is willing to carry my burdens, and share in my joy and pain. Grateful that I've found someone who loves me more than I love myself.


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Father God, I surrender myself to you. My burdens I give to You. Help me to make the right desicion, the desicion that honours You and helps me to walk into my future. The desicion that I can look back and thank You for no matter what. Give me the peace that surpasses all understanding. Help me to choose. In Jesus Name, Amen.

What are you living for?

Gonna be a sob story. So move away if you want to. You are most welcome.

I remember my prayer yesterday - God i surrender everything to You. Use me as Your vessel even in the hospital... ...

Today I had to break the bad news to a patient that he had advanced cancer. He already suspected post the scan, because he noticed the radiologists were whispering amongst themselves. Then when the report came back late, he accused me of trying to hide his findings. He was adamant about going home TODAY, and din't wana wait another day so we could refer inpatient.

Turns out that he has a wife who is debilitated due to stroke, and a daughter busy working day and night. He was the main caretaker for the wife basically.

After all the huu-haa and the referrals that were unable to be made as the oncall people had their phones off, i sat next to the uncle and asked him how he was feeling,if he was ok.

And then the waterworks started..both his and mine. His more manly tears, barely rolling down his cheeks. He was visibly emotional,and 101 thoughts were running through his mind. Mine were the tears of a fellow human being,and it was as much ad I could do to keep my voice from breaking. I know the neighbouring bed and the other staff were staring and could see my eyes watery and me basically wiping away tears from my tear streaked, red face.

Later on I found out he shared the same faith and had the chance to pray for him. I din't know what to pray for..and in the end I prayed for peace and joy basically. I tried to remind the both of us that through the storm, God is sovereign.

And God is sovereign. When we don't understand the plan, we trust the Hand. Our bodies on earth expire, but in Him we have eternal life forever.

So what are we living for? I don't know about You, but I will live for Him.

And oh, watch what you pray for. He is listening. :)

Selamat Hari Raya!!

Selamat Hari Raya!! 

Some pretty pretty mini cupcakes with jam inside in one of the wards on Raya Eve

Spending my first raya post call in a new place, in one of the major cities in the country is definitely a new experience. For one, I definitely miss the warm feeling of festivity and the delicious food that is usually available in nearly all the wards on day 1. The fantastic chefs aka staff nurses in my previous hospital will bring tradional lemang, ketupat and all the lovely rendang on d1..I can even go for multiple rounds in multiple wards!! Here, its work as usual..

Anyway , have a great celebration to all who happened to stumble upon my humble blog!! May the coming days bring health, wealth and joy in you and your family's life!:)

2015- first post of the year!

Oh my goodness!! It has been more than a year that I have blogged. This is crazy haha.i keep wanting to blog but never ending up doing it!!

Yes,things have changed. Many, many, many things. For starters, I have "graduated"! Haha.from a house officer to a medical officer. Life is definitely better as a medical officer...except when you're on call( oh the horror!!)...thats a story for another day.

Apart from that, I have moved...back to my hometown. And being a "complaints queen", I have to declare...I HATE KL TRAFFIC!!! HATE HATE HATE!!!

Hahaha. But seriously its true,the traffic is horrendous...thats the thing I miss the most about Muar..apart from the people and the food. Asam fish, chicken rice balls, 6 taste tong sui...

I have so many things to update/blog about! New makan places I've been to, Perhentian..ooh yes, I've finally been to a beach. :):):)

I hope i finally restart blogging. :)