Picture Stories October

Sometimes, just when you thought you were over something; just when you talk about it, reminiscing...

You realize that the hurt is still there, the world is still cruel and unforgiving...

They say time is the best healer

And you resolve that the silent but steady stream of salt water flowing seemingly endlessly is necessary to build up who you are; and that the heartache, that seems like it could engulf one with the intense,wordless pain will contribute towards a stronger, better you...

The Promise -
that there will always be a rainbow after the rain

You let the tears flow, not caring to let it cease. And you look to above, remembering the promise. That through all the pain, tears, and joy, He is always there, and He cares.

nameless

No one ever said transition was going to be easy.

Suffers...

Ulcer the size of 2cm x 1cm. Started last week with two mini sized dots and they grew and grew, and gradually decided that a union would be a happy thing, much to the dismay and despair of the poor body. The whole body has been well and truly weakened and put to much suffering due to the extreme pain felt throughout the whole day for a few days now :'(

Evilness...

day 4...n still heartsick

Sigh. Its been a while since I've properly updated. But this time I couldn't bring myself to even blog bout it. Just sitting down, staring at the phone / post hoping someone returns it...

Been working weekends. Initially for fun la. (Now I don't quite feel it). During the last day of my 3 week work, I dropped my purse outside IOI mall (near the staff entrance) on the floor where cars zoom by. Sighs... It must have dropped coz I took out my purse to zip it, left it on my lap n when I got out of the car it dropped. Arrrgggghhhhhhhhh....the nightmare that follows.

I lost everything inside - down from my IC, Driver's licence, atmcard, student id (all these have to remake, all with costs over hundreds as well) ON TOP of my NEW MP3 which is barely a few months old worth RM200++.... AND my house keys (had to change to locks) plus my seremban wardrobe keys which means I can't use that 2 locked drawers (coz they're already locked). *sniff*

When I realised it was probably 2-3 minutes later...and when I rushed back it was gone. How many times I retraced my footsteps and checked the sides, it was well and truly gone. All in all that 2-3 minutes of carelessness cost me bout RM500++. It is, as my dad said, an expensive lesson. Esp that the mp3 was supposed to be my companion when I'm sad / lonely in Seremban.

Everyone asks me to be positive. It was super hard. Till now...Till the point I dreamt that it was returned to me, but when I wake up it was... but a dream. I did try to console myself at least it isn't 5000, but it was truly one mistake I never saw coming. Extremely grateful for pple like person2go2 (you know who u are) who drove all the way through the jam to pick me from my place to make a new ic and take me back again. Probably used up like 2-3 hours of his precious time. Thanks for just helping me out through this seriously difficult time. And for those who try consoling / encouraging me. For just listening /bearing with me.

I'm sorry if my temper has been on the edge...I noticed it too. And I'm not someone whose temper flares up, but when another is insensitive and speaks brashly, I seriously find that really hard to accept. I mean, who am I right? But sometimes silence is better than words that hurt..not that you realize it, do you?

Like a few pple Fifi and Chip reminded me, these things that I've lost are replaceable. In that sense I've got something to be grateful for. And even after that episode I still had to go back to work...(remember I was working)   One customer was telling me in life that we always are on the "rugi" (shorter end of the stick) side 'once in a while'...but at least it affects us when we still can take it, meaning it doesn't affect our lives so much (compared to if that say, RM200 meant life and death...or livelihood to one).

So if I seem upset, now you know why. Please don't ask me to recount the details anymore, its rather painful. ...Sometimes I just wish I had the option to turn back time.

9-10

The most difficult lecture of all in the whole of my life. Stomach was flipping over and over with distaste and slight nausea, the cortex was at its wits end keeping the limbic system in control.

The first sentence after the first section was like a dagger thrust into my heart...momentarily, my heart skipped a beat.

And that just went on practically the whole day...The mind couldn't help replaying over and over the words that pierced the heart...

It pains me to see you this way

It pains me to see you this way

...It does. Because I understand. Somehow I do understand beneath the iron-face mask (albeit now with a dent), is a person wanting love and care just like the rest of the people on the streets. But for the promises we make...And I for one am a person who keeps her promises, so I understand the magnitude of the burden you're carrying. 

But you're never alone. There are us who will always wait for you, with our arms wide; lame jokes ready, "pot of gold" waiting. :) 

And another day...

And another day...

Sooky's post makes me oh-so-emo. Its the stuff I used to think bout. And still do.

And every living moment just reminds me of that even more. Having to take my convo mag profile photo (I miss the old chinadoll-fairskin joanne. dang u oh-mighty-sun :( )

I dislike transitions/ changes that involves leaving. Leaving of the people close to me, and leaving the people I love :'(

I will not go on. Why put so much emphasis of something thats gonna come anyway? I shall savour every moment now. And try my best not to go emo.


On another note, "broke" into my new running shoes again. Ran 3 rounds nonstop, walked 1 round then another 3 nonstop. Not sure whats the distance tho, BK3 park the jogging track has no distance written to it. Somehow tho it seems as if I din't run - din't perspire like crazy (shirt was nearly dry), no muscle cramp/aches, dont feel more tired than I usually am.

...I must have ran in my dream.

Maybe saying goodbye is not easy
But just maybe it is necessary
It is the memories we share

The times we spent together
The lessons we learnt from another
This is what makes life worthwhile

Having you in my life
Having shared our tears and joy
Sorrows and success

If i dont have tomorrow
I want you to know
How much u mean to me
How much your life you've shared with me

If we never meet again
Thank you for yr presence
For sharing this journey of my life
For sharing with me the greatest feeling
Of love and being loved
Thank you for making that difference
In my life

Song playing: 21 Guns (Green Day), New Divide ( Linkin Park)

Song playing: 21 Guns (Green Day), New Divide ( Linkin Park)


Much time has passed. Each time, I'll just open my blog to check for any comments.(Which is not much). Contemplate whether to write something...And decide not to.


Tried to drive today. Fail, dad pronounced. Not safe, he said. Like this you'll probably never drive at all. Took the whole thing with a smile on the face, din't say anything. But minutes later after the whole thing, when I was recluse in my own room...I din't know what to feel. For the record, my dad came in and apologoised for "shouting" at me (like I said, I took it with a smile, din't blame / get angry at him...) but still a sense of...uselessness kinda sunk in a while. I looked at myself...and I see no talent. Someone struggling with all tries to do. Studies, driving, etc. And to say that I have the "courage", I daren't. I see myself giving up after some time, too tired to go on...


When life deals you with a lemon, what'dya do? Squeeze lemonade? But the strength to squeeze lemonade? Perhaps, just perhaps it'll come later, but for now, I don't see it... Short sighted I am.


I don't think I've kept myself at home so long without going out in a long time. Something that cheered me up a little was my visit to my former high school, where I finally claimed my spm cert. Wayyyyyy back, ain't I? Met up with some people I havn't seen in some time.


Apart from that, hols are....hols. Sleeping late everynight, coz can't seem to sleep. Morning wake up very late(11 am, 12am....) ...and the cycle continues each day. I should get down to changing it, but don't have the mood to at the moment.


Alot of things I planned to do din't materialise, naturally...Deep sigh. I've got only myself to blame.


Part of me wonders what I am doing, this year, this day, this life. Am I where I should be, where I could be? But past is past, one thing that does not come back is time. I'm supposed to aim ahead, but at the moment my mind is blank.


I wish I had a mind that had logic. That thinks, or the better word, analyzes. I don't want to be a substandard health care professional, don't want to be a menace to those of the road, endangering them and myself; don't want to live a battered, un-victorious life.


I know I take alot for granted. When one reads the newspaper one understands, one sees....The rice we eat, with the variety of dishes ; the roof over my head, and one that is more than comfortable; the luxury of connection to the world, internet, phones...


Help me to be the somebody that You want me to be, that You see already in Your eyes. And not by my own, coz' I can't do it. How I don't know , but I'm leaving that to You. Let my life be nothing short of victorious. Teach me to see myself through Your eyes. Because when I even start comparing, I fall short. I will never, never be good enough.


But through Your grace. I asked You how You could love us. What is so lovable about us, and Your reply is You see Your Son's sacrifice when You see us. And You being the just and Holy one, had to pay the price somehow. I asked how much I'm worth to You, and Your reply is that for me alone, You would send Your Son. Help me not take all these for granted, help me live the life destined for me , even before I was born, even when I was already fashioned in Your mind before I was conceived.


Make this life count in Your eyes, even if not in others. If tomorrow never comes, I wish, I only wish I have left no regrets...I wish that I have done my best to love and serve the ones who comes my way.


Time: 2.06 am

If there is something I can't do, I cant bluff. Cant pretend. It hurts me too. When I walked out, my only thought was to "don't spoil your mood Joanne". It really sucks.


I told you time and again,you can make me do stuff. But that will be all forced, actions; no heart, no sincerity. Like a shell without the nut.


Sometimes I cant please everyone, I know. Still.