Song playing: 21 Guns (Green Day), New Divide ( Linkin Park)
Much time has passed. Each time, I'll just open my blog to check for any comments.(Which is not much). Contemplate whether to write something...And decide not to.
Tried to drive today. Fail, dad pronounced. Not safe, he said. Like this you'll probably never drive at all. Took the whole thing with a smile on the face, din't say anything. But minutes later after the whole thing, when I was recluse in my own room...I din't know what to feel. For the record, my dad came in and apologoised for "shouting" at me (like I said, I took it with a smile, din't blame / get angry at him...) but still a sense of...uselessness kinda sunk in a while. I looked at myself...and I see no talent. Someone struggling with all tries to do. Studies, driving, etc. And to say that I have the "courage", I daren't. I see myself giving up after some time, too tired to go on...
When life deals you with a lemon, what'dya do? Squeeze lemonade? But the strength to squeeze lemonade? Perhaps, just perhaps it'll come later, but for now, I don't see it... Short sighted I am.
I don't think I've kept myself at home so long without going out in a long time. Something that cheered me up a little was my visit to my former high school, where I finally claimed my spm cert. Wayyyyyy back, ain't I? Met up with some people I havn't seen in some time.
Apart from that, hols are....hols. Sleeping late everynight, coz can't seem to sleep. Morning wake up very late(11 am, 12am....) ...and the cycle continues each day. I should get down to changing it, but don't have the mood to at the moment.
Alot of things I planned to do din't materialise, naturally...Deep sigh. I've got only myself to blame.
Part of me wonders what I am doing, this year, this day, this life. Am I where I should be, where I could be? But past is past, one thing that does not come back is time. I'm supposed to aim ahead, but at the moment my mind is blank.
I wish I had a mind that had logic. That thinks, or the better word, analyzes. I don't want to be a substandard health care professional, don't want to be a menace to those of the road, endangering them and myself; don't want to live a battered, un-victorious life.
I know I take alot for granted. When one reads the newspaper one understands, one sees....The rice we eat, with the variety of dishes ; the roof over my head, and one that is more than comfortable; the luxury of connection to the world, internet, phones...
Help me to be the somebody that You want me to be, that You see already in Your eyes. And not by my own, coz' I can't do it. How I don't know , but I'm leaving that to You. Let my life be nothing short of victorious. Teach me to see myself through Your eyes. Because when I even start comparing, I fall short. I will never, never be good enough.
But through Your grace. I asked You how You could love us. What is so lovable about us, and Your reply is You see Your Son's sacrifice when You see us. And You being the just and Holy one, had to pay the price somehow. I asked how much I'm worth to You, and Your reply is that for me alone, You would send Your Son. Help me not take all these for granted, help me live the life destined for me , even before I was born, even when I was already fashioned in Your mind before I was conceived.
Make this life count in Your eyes, even if not in others. If tomorrow never comes, I wish, I only wish I have left no regrets...I wish that I have done my best to love and serve the ones who comes my way.
Time: 2.06 am