Struggles

My blog has been like, dead. For at least a few years, and I know it.

During these times, I feel like I've changed alot - from the assertive, confident , bashful me to a less certain, wishy-washy, constantly apologoising me. I've changed, and I don't know if it is for the better.

I used to think I know what comes next, I know what to expect, and I know what life is about( How ignorant and how arrogant). However, as life throws me curveballs, I become more uncertain as time passes me by, leaving me confused, muddled and torn inside. I can picture a pile of scrap trying to piece itself together but failing miserably.

I used to write thinking someone will read. Now I don't anymore, no one visits this dead blog anyway.

Now I know why people say that adult life is messy, is confusing, is about scheming... etc. How I long for the innocence of childlike faith. How I long to bee that look up and see only 1 option and know that that is the one for me.

I'm however, grateful. Grateful because I have God , grateful because I have my family, grateful to have my ever loving and ever supporting other half. Grateful that he is willing to carry my burdens, and share in my joy and pain. Grateful that I've found someone who loves me more than I love myself.


~ ~ ~

Father God, I surrender myself to you. My burdens I give to You. Help me to make the right desicion, the desicion that honours You and helps me to walk into my future. The desicion that I can look back and thank You for no matter what. Give me the peace that surpasses all understanding. Help me to choose. In Jesus Name, Amen.

My Ideal Guy (2015)

Human evolve. No , not from monkeys / apes. At least not in my vocab. I mean, past 2000 years have you even seen one ape evolve into a human being? (Although I agree sometimes humans behave worst than apes / monkeys).

Human beings evolve. Change. Emotionally. Mentally. I know I have. This is like an updated list done from 2007.

So here goes, things I look for in a life partner.

- Loves God with all his heart

- Loves and will take care of is family and mine

- Will know how to be the leader in the family - a man worth submitting to

- Will love me with all of his heart as an equal and partner.

And other nitty gritty stuff:

- Non Smoker / Non a crazy alcoholic (Like Child Pugh B-C)

- Has a good sense of Humour

- Generous with his time, money, everything

- "Gets" me

- Gentle and has grace

- Someone who doesn't shirk responsibility

- Someone who has vision, knows what he wants.

- Someone who can handle criticisms.

- Someone who knows know to correct me/ other people with gentleness and grace

A beloved sister and dear friend of mine summed it up this way - "basically as the list simplifies at the heart of it you desire someone who desires God and you"...

And that's probably true.

1...2...3...

Working weekends and oncall too this weekend. No, who said doctors have life. :p

Anyway randomness. Everyone struggles. Some struggle with finances. Some exams. Some emotionally or spiritually. I do too. I'm only human, you see.

Most important for me is to remain true to oneself. And to trust the Hand that guides from above. Afterall, our lives have already been written in His book...

What are you living for?

Gonna be a sob story. So move away if you want to. You are most welcome.

I remember my prayer yesterday - God i surrender everything to You. Use me as Your vessel even in the hospital... ...

Today I had to break the bad news to a patient that he had advanced cancer. He already suspected post the scan, because he noticed the radiologists were whispering amongst themselves. Then when the report came back late, he accused me of trying to hide his findings. He was adamant about going home TODAY, and din't wana wait another day so we could refer inpatient.

Turns out that he has a wife who is debilitated due to stroke, and a daughter busy working day and night. He was the main caretaker for the wife basically.

After all the huu-haa and the referrals that were unable to be made as the oncall people had their phones off, i sat next to the uncle and asked him how he was feeling,if he was ok.

And then the waterworks started..both his and mine. His more manly tears, barely rolling down his cheeks. He was visibly emotional,and 101 thoughts were running through his mind. Mine were the tears of a fellow human being,and it was as much ad I could do to keep my voice from breaking. I know the neighbouring bed and the other staff were staring and could see my eyes watery and me basically wiping away tears from my tear streaked, red face.

Later on I found out he shared the same faith and had the chance to pray for him. I din't know what to pray for..and in the end I prayed for peace and joy basically. I tried to remind the both of us that through the storm, God is sovereign.

And God is sovereign. When we don't understand the plan, we trust the Hand. Our bodies on earth expire, but in Him we have eternal life forever.

So what are we living for? I don't know about You, but I will live for Him.

And oh, watch what you pray for. He is listening. :)

At The Cross

You know it's true that people always seek God in the lowest points of their life. Literally like the chinese saying "holding on to the buddha's leg at the very last moment". It's when we've invested our everything, our life, our emotions, our money, our friends...everything! Then only we're willing to come to Him.

That isn't the way, we all know it shouldn't be. And frankly, it actually is pretty ungrateful, if you think about it. Seeking someone only when we need them.

But the beauty of this all is that God has always been there waiting, waiting, waiting; loving, loving, loving. Loving who? Everyone of this earth - whatever your name, race, your religion, your sexual orientation, your shortcomings....Everyone. And His response is never one of hate, never one of condemnation or "Told you to come look for me earlier!" kinda responses, but "There there child, I love you. I have called you by name. I will lift you up. I will hold you close, hold you in the palm of my hands." Those responses, and more.

I think that's why, even though it's ironic but its true, that " When we are weak then He becomes stronger" - not because He can become stronger (He has and always will be the strongest!)- It's His influence, His power that becomes stronger in our lives because we let Him, we allow Him to work in our lives. We give Him the permission(because He's such a gentlemen and won't intrude) and then we see miracles unfold before our eyes.

A bunch of thoughts

A month later (wait, make that 2) and yes, I'm back with an emo post.

Ah! Life. Don't get me wrong...God has been really good and has blessed me so, so much. He blessed me with a dinner with my loved ones at the luxurious Ben's at Publika noy just once but twice; and another trip to singapore with free accommodation and 2 A Reserve tickets to watch Wicked the musical, which is admitedly, really good. Despite the hickups... God is and always has been good.

Just finished my clinical exam for medicine today. And make no mistake, when the lecturer said "I think you did well" (which somewhat mirrored the exam the last time), I'm really not sure if she was just trying to placade me. Because when I looked back, there were really things that I din't know and din't answer correctly. Made me realise, yet again, how woefully little I know in medicine!

Again, its the time of the semester when everyone is scrambling to change groupings. Perhaps due to my OCD-ness, I always find it hard to adjust to new environment. I secretly (and maybe not so secretly) think I have prolonged adjustment disorder each time. I can't help but feeling stressed in a "new environment",despite it being the same 100 (rotating) batchmates. It really is hard for me get used to a new place/people, and when I finally settle down...Things move on again. Way too fast for my liking :(
Its time like this when I really miss my best buds, esp the one in Leeds uni. I remember how we used to be inseparable, and I imagine that if she is here, we will probably be inseparable. We'll probably push each other to talk to patients etc, which probably will be better for each other :P She'll probably layan my lame jokes and antics, we'll probably sushi every other day. Nah, I kid. (Sushi is expensive!!!)

But yes. Its not that I'm not happy with my life. In fact, I have no reason to be, God has blessed me so. Perhaps, me, just like many others are falling into the trap of evying others life, or thinking "what if". But if you watch grey's anatomy a few episodes ago, they say that things would ultimately have played out the same way. Perhaps its true, coz nothing that happens is "incidental"; it is all permitted, crafted by God. And eventhough I may not see the plan at the moment, God can already see the end...

So yeah. Maybe I just need to sort out my feelings. Of the past and the present, because the past cannot be reproduced, and the present is ahead and holds much at stake. The memories of the past should serve more to brighten my dark days, not make me feel emo and longing. (Although, like I said, its hard for me to "move on". I am perhaps moving with the flow while subconciously trying to fight it.) The memories that I shared with the people I love and cherish evermore need to always be stored in that precious little corner of my brain, while I trudge on bravely. And may I remind myself, that I am never, ever alone( although many a time I may feel so).

Nowadays I find myself wondering many many times why I chose medicine. I'm not the only one. Discussing it during skype one day, my bestie and I agreed that if time were to be turned back, we would still have made the choice we made. How stupid right? To fight with the 7802560602589568263 people whom blindly choose medicine not knowing the amount of sacrifice, the amount of sweat, tears and heartache, and the somewhat bleak future for the medical profession that is slowly losing its prestige. To be one of the small fry that does all the work with a "glamourous"( actually, the lowest ranking, lower than amoeba in the food chain) name; to battle the workload and mounting pressure and if more serious, depression. To have more dark days than good, and not being sure what there is to look forward to. Call me a pessimist, but if you, like me are purely average(or less than that), you know that life is hard as you compete with the thousands and millions of braniacs who have chosen the same profession as you.

But as I pour out my frustrations, I am reminded by a loved and honoured person in my life, that my life is in God's hands. Promotion, whether fair or not. Welfare. Future. And more. God has and will pull me through the darkest days of my life. Because though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. And I always, always need to remind myself that the constant in this life is not death or tax (you have conquered them all), but You. That one day I can look forward to resting in Your house, and celebrating with You forevermore.

When the music fades, all is stripped away, and I simply come. Longing just to bring, something, something thats of worth, that will bless  your heart. 

Saw many of my juniors prom photos. Ah, those were the times. I love them (Still) and miss them so much. But I think that they have moved on in life. I miss hanging out with them, sharing each other's life story; I miss making them brush each others teeth while singing "old McDonalds  had a farm" with foam flowing from their mouths. I miss being the "guinea pig" while they made me up for my prom, trying on diff shoes , different shades of makeup. I miss all the lunches and the library hangouts, I miss talking about everything under the sun.

Not that I love my current housemates any less. When the Seremban chapter is over and done with, I know I'll also miss them, since people are moving away and nothing is confirmed. When everyone is in different places doing housemanship. But I'll always remember and miss most the time and the energy, and the heart invested into different people's lives.

And although I don't know how they are doing, they seem to be doing just fine. And even if they may(or have) forgotten me and that I am no longer a part of their lives, if there is one thing I want them to know is that I love them and will always miss them, and they have been an amazing part of my life where I wouldn't trade them for anyone else.

Love

One of my favourite quotes in the Bible is "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick" (Matthew 9:!2), said by none other than Jesus Himself. Nowadays, 1 in 3 people get cancer. Everyone has some sort of health problems. The hospital is always packed.


But have we ever thought about our mental, spiritual health? Who are we? Why do we exist? Does anyone love us? What if, someone loved you so much, that he gave up his only son's life for you? If you dare, watch the video. Be prepared to have an open heart though. And search your heart in all honesty.

For me, it challenges who I think I am, my self esteem, my all . . . I know I fail, all the time! But because of You, I am perfect. I am spotless. I am blameless. I am loved. I am Yours. And that I think, is enough for me to live this life, and through eternity.

Happy

Despite having a huge ulcer on the right side near my wisdom tooth, despite the fact that it hurts to eat and talk, I feel happy. 


For the past few days, I've felt happy. Maybe the better word is joy. Its a stage of acceptance I think, when one accepts that what one wants may not be the best for himself, and instead, God has better plans. 


Last year, I still wasn't happy. Sure,I'm not happy everyday. Life has its ups and downs, and frankly, sucks sometimes. 


But today at least, I will let myself feel the joy that is running through my veins, A joy that flows from appreciating what I have, from my awesome family and friends to what and all He has placed in my life. 


A few pics from the "hols" in September/ October :D Of beloved people :)

@Lil pantry with Sooky :) 

Boy, havn't I seen her in a long, long time... I remember we used to be twins *good memories*. Girl I miss u. Ps: you're beautiful. (I mean it!)

Meet up with Rachel@ Wang river

Kinda hard to imagine we date back "so long" now...Since high school! Gurl was good meeting up with you. Love to see the strong, confident woman you are right now. Go rock the architecture world! :) 

SPONGEBOB!!! 

No, I din't go to Bikini Bottoms. :P Neither is it Jellyfish Fields. 

This was actually @ Shah Alam I City, outside the Snow walk which we din't go in :) 

@Genting theme park with Mr. Tallman :D

Being too old to go into the park(self declared), we just walked all around the hotels, walkways, indoor themepark areas etc, enjoying the cool air. Oh, and stuffing ourselves at the best buffet lunch available there @ coffee terrace. hee *gains weight like nobody's business....nooooooo! * 

For this and much more, I thank God for all I have. Even if all the riches in the world doesn't belong to me, I give thanks, for all I have now is enough for me.


"Happiness is not a matter of good fortune or worldly possessions. It's a mental attitude. It comes from appreciating what we have, instead of being miserable about what we don't have. It's so simple?yet so hard for the human mind to comprehend."
Bits and Pieces 

You

Why is it that sometimes I just feel like the suckiest person on earth, that I'm not worth loving, that all I cause is strife, and that I always try and see people "realistically" - or rather, try and doubt everybody's goodness? The "world", as taught to me, will never take care of me, always is never trustworthy...



Help me remember that You are God of my life, that You hold my life in Your hands, You are my strength, my justice, my vindicator, my provider, my everything. And on days where life just seems so moody and sucky...well help me remember why I live. For You. 

Of little children and exams

Of little children and exams

Exams soon, havn't studied. Little children are adorable...until they cry. Luckily the toy a friend gave me seems to come in really really handy. :)


This week, help me to look to You and be more like You :)

A month later...

Of a long month of hiatus.

Thats what Obstetrics did to me.

Now,I'm 3 weeks to exam,and know nothing. noooooooo....

I realise that people sometimes chase too hard to search for a meaning to life. By shopping, community work etc...




Remind me that I live for You.

Of birthday cakes, lame jokes, celebrations and most of all...good friends.

Of birthday cakes, lame jokes, celebrations and most of all...good friends. 


How can I but be amazed and blessed by His grace. I'm officially 1 year older, and each day I'm just as blessed. Birthday cake from the family, housemates+neighbour housemates + slice of cake from housemate and mate...

And the many many wishes throughout the day, no matter whether through phone, sms, facebook msg / wall, all the way from overseas, outstation(now that I'm in Seremban)...

Thank you everyone. And I believe in my heart that each year, each day, I will slowly learn to take off on eagles wings, slowly learn to spread my wings.... =)

Seremban, 12.10am

Seremban, 12.10am 

Back in Seremban the previous evening. Buzzed around just doing all the random stuff. Then Jaer and Mohawk-hair-now-gone came visiting for quite some time before they left.

Sitting in front of my computer right now, I actually got tons to read up on. Now the grind starts again. Except this time, we have loads more work then back in pre-clinical phase...What you learn in a month is condensed into a week or less than that. And this includes the clinical part that we could afford to skip the last time.

Just yawned. Somehow, there is a "quiet" sense of loneliness today, this moment. But I suddenly remembered that "All things work for good for those who love God and are called according to His purposes".

I shall trust.  

Finally Updated

Warning: long post ahead. Not worth wasting time over.

Have been meaning to blog for some time now, but as I can see from the co13ra blog, my last update was more than 2 weeks ago.

Am at the “I’m not sure what to write” stage. I mean yeah, there are things I wanna blog about, but I’m not sure how I could ever write it out, express it in a way I want it to.

Lets start with something light then. I got a haircut. Which is nothing out of the norm, except that this time, everyone noticed (compared to the every time last few years). =.= reason being my fringe is short this time…Really short. Got various comments, from ok…to nice / modern to punk /rockstar and the most “cute” one…like little girl. Hahaha. Not sure how I’m supposed to react to this one. :P

MSK has officially been not very kind to me. I’m still bout 9 or so notes away from the completion of the system. The same goes for GI and Renal system. Talk bout discipline. Time REALLY flies when one is REALLY reading notes. Oh, it flies just as fast when I chill/ facebook/ daydream. Lolz

Library was relatively quiet today. Not so empty, but quieter. The library sound machine took a break I guess? Haha. Fell asleep on the muscles notes by SMM. Dislike. Thought I’ll be fine after that, but who knows I still fell asleep in front of the Dean during pbl (He’s the faci). Geez. Talk bout my body NOT being cooperative. Thank God I wasn’t embarrassed / he din’t make it embarrassing for me. For that I am thankful. Even lecture this morning despite it being one hour I still zoned out and went fishing =.=

Many people have noticed that I was not my usual self for the past I’m not sure how long. I know I held it in a lot. Many issues and thoughts on my mind, ranging from studies and more were just playing back in my mind like an mp3 set on repeat on. At first I din’t try to hide it, but then last week I decided that I’m gonna smile irregardless. Which apparently didn’t work as I’m an open book. My mother always tells me I’m super transparent in the sense I can’t mask my true feelings inside. What to do? I’m always true to myself. Although I wish I were a better actor :/

I’m not sure if I can bring myself to speak of some of the issues badgering me. But it actually took a part of me, so to speak. Not just once, not just twice, but thrice if I’m not mistaken did it even manifest in my dreams, for me to wake up and realize that it was but a dream. Apparently people usually don’t remember dreams unless its vivid or it means something to the person…I can remember mine.

Despite it being a decision I made knowing full well the aftermath, I still struggled. And I still do struggle deep inside. The many times I swallowed it in, consoled myself… the many times I told myself that the decision can’t be undone and is for the sake of not merely myself, but for a reason. The fact that it will affect others as well, and that’s the least I can do to not be selfish.

There are also certain soft spots, as I call it. Some were receptive enough to pick it up, and ingeniously “provoked” me into speaking it out. Albeit the scene wasn’t pretty, it was marred with much… I shall not continue to elaborate.

People have always been one of the biggest motivations I live for. Despite the fact that it is true the world has many types of people, and I daresay more superficial people than not who judge you by first impression…but I have always made it a point for me to try my best to not be that. To not judge for it is not my position to do so, but merely to love the person(s), and let that person know him or her holds a special place in this world and in the people’s hearts around him or her. For that reason I’ve always involved myself in activities that would allow me to know more people that I may touch their lives…knowing that on the way it somewhat destroys myself as the unbearable thought of parting never leaves my mind.

For that reason I’ve been wondering sometimes if I made the right choice. To know some awesome people knowing that I’ll end up being part of them but having to part later on. But for me, it was never a wrong choice. It was always a matter of how I would deal with it, that’s all. Some people always say why bother? You know you’re gonna have to leave, its all temporary. Perhaps, I say, perhaps. I know I may not be significant, but with that little bit that I am, I truly hope I made a little bit of a difference, by getting to know them, but joining in because the best way to love someone is to participate and be yourself + bring whatever one has to the table. Not that I want much…I just want them all to know that they will always have each other (and me, who will always be there, just not physically like before)…and that the friends who care for you and is a friend indeed is worth keeping and fighting for.

How much do you mean to me? I’ll answer this way - I would be honoured to lay down my life for each and every one of you. That’s how much you mean to me.

I’ll always be reminiscing the many (and countless) good times – the times messing around at the piano, just talking “nonsense” with each other, sharing our good / bad moments, sharing each other’s joy/ sorrow. Viva. Makan times. Walking along the escalator or in the lifts. Arguing whose the best _______(insert own argument here). Planning for the most random things such as ball make up etc. The calling of names that makes no sense. (Seriously…mangkuk? :O ) ; The joanne-athon times that had the sun shining down unmercifully on us. Tie days. Yelling out our cheer(s) like nobody else is present there. Singing on the bus / in the car with out out-of-tune voices. The many many pointless messages. The celebration of each others birthdays. And the list will only grow longer. :)

I’m not sure I can ever be fully prepared. Its just like entering into a new semester each time – you anticipate, you think you know what to expect…but you never fully comprehend it until you’re really properly there. I saw something that a good friend of mine, Dip posted on his facebook status last night – “Everybody’s afraid. The one who says otherwise is either a liar, or dead.” And frankly, though like many, I’ll never say it out loud – yes I am afraid. For I do not see what the future holds in front of me. I can’t see past the week; I can’t see past the night even. But its gonna be faith that leads me to trudge on. And love, because perfect love casts out fear. I’m just gonna take what I have, and whom I am, and walk straight ahead. And remember that there’re always gonna be another mountain, but I’m always gonna wanna make it move. And the fact that I’m never alone. Never ever.  Irregardless of what I feel or think.

…The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is still there. Fingers crossed. :/

Yeah, you thought right, this post took me an hour. And I hope none of you made it this far (I know people’s dislike towards long texts, which I’m hoping to catalyze upon to not read this post :D ). Random stuff: Nervous system module has 38 notes. I’m only done with what, 1 ? I havn’t ran for 2 weeks now. I’m wondering if I should. I borrowed 3 books from the library, in hope that it will aid me in my understanding of nervous system. We shall see. I lost my comb. Again :/ the thing I lose the most is my comb. How many combs I buy in a year all go missing. Its just that force that seems to want us apart…like how water is not soluble in lipid and vice versa :/ which isn’t aided by the fact that I prefer using my own comb over others, anytime.

On a colourful note, I (apparently) was the first non-indian (in IMU) to help out with the kolam decoration for the ICS Chithirai Puthandu(Tamil new year)  and Vaisakhi Celebration. It was a colourfully-messy business, with my hands to my fingernails soiled with orange and red buncho colour *runs around in glee chasing mangkuk* Haha but yeah. Sobana is a fantastic designer. Oh, and Shane helped out too! Like I like to put it - I'm colour blind :) So I yeah. Ironic huh :P 
But it was definitely a fun experience. Given my love for colours and arts and crafts :D

Thoughts

Its been a while.


Many days have past. Many hours, many minutes.


Laughter, tears, sweat, agony, fatigue, malaise, depression. Haha, you name it.


26 November - Summatives are approaching. Am I prepared? Not yet, but I will try.
By God's grace, not by my strength. I like what my lecturer put up during a pathology slide one day. It goes something like this :


" The greatest thing in this world is not so much where we are, but in which direction we are moving. "
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.


He was trying to describe to renal infection pathway. But nontheless, I feel it is a very good saying, very true, very wise.


Sometimes , many times even, I tend to compare myself with others. There will always be somebody better, smarter, achieves higher results, more talented, can draw much much better, doesn't play musical instruments at mere entertaintment level... You get the picture. There will always be dissatisfaction. And for me at least, sometimes it has caused much heartache. Who doesn't want to be the best? who doesn't want to be multi talented, superman/woman? Who doesnt want faith that moves mountains? In short, who doesn't want to be "special"?


But the greatest thing in this world is not where we are...but where we are moving. What am I moving towards? What is my actions and daily thoughts, or schedule bringing me to? I only know to strive the best I can. And perhaps, perhaps, that is enough.


there is someone inside of me
waiting to be unleashed
whom You embraced
whom i long to be
(Ian McIntosh - Awakened)


I can, and will say that I am beautiful - Simply because my God who loves me beautifully carved my very "being" - down to the last muscle and nerve. He who knows all my stengths, and flaws, and loves me the same. The eternal God who never changes. The One who saw me when He took the crown of thorns, the One who loved me through the nails that He bore. For I am beautifully and wonderfully made, my soul knows very well.


I am defined not by what the world sees of me, not by the dollar bills like those of high profile leaders and bussinessman....But I'm defined by what my Maker says of me, what He calls me. And He calls me daughter. The one whom in His eyes I'm deeply loved, greatly blessed, and highly favoured. And this is the fact that remains the same, unchangeble throughout time. And hence, Unmeasurable are my limits for i call you Father ,unimaginable my potential for You have called me son(daughter).

Song playing: 21 Guns (Green Day), New Divide ( Linkin Park)

Song playing: 21 Guns (Green Day), New Divide ( Linkin Park)


Much time has passed. Each time, I'll just open my blog to check for any comments.(Which is not much). Contemplate whether to write something...And decide not to.


Tried to drive today. Fail, dad pronounced. Not safe, he said. Like this you'll probably never drive at all. Took the whole thing with a smile on the face, din't say anything. But minutes later after the whole thing, when I was recluse in my own room...I din't know what to feel. For the record, my dad came in and apologoised for "shouting" at me (like I said, I took it with a smile, din't blame / get angry at him...) but still a sense of...uselessness kinda sunk in a while. I looked at myself...and I see no talent. Someone struggling with all tries to do. Studies, driving, etc. And to say that I have the "courage", I daren't. I see myself giving up after some time, too tired to go on...


When life deals you with a lemon, what'dya do? Squeeze lemonade? But the strength to squeeze lemonade? Perhaps, just perhaps it'll come later, but for now, I don't see it... Short sighted I am.


I don't think I've kept myself at home so long without going out in a long time. Something that cheered me up a little was my visit to my former high school, where I finally claimed my spm cert. Wayyyyyy back, ain't I? Met up with some people I havn't seen in some time.


Apart from that, hols are....hols. Sleeping late everynight, coz can't seem to sleep. Morning wake up very late(11 am, 12am....) ...and the cycle continues each day. I should get down to changing it, but don't have the mood to at the moment.


Alot of things I planned to do din't materialise, naturally...Deep sigh. I've got only myself to blame.


Part of me wonders what I am doing, this year, this day, this life. Am I where I should be, where I could be? But past is past, one thing that does not come back is time. I'm supposed to aim ahead, but at the moment my mind is blank.


I wish I had a mind that had logic. That thinks, or the better word, analyzes. I don't want to be a substandard health care professional, don't want to be a menace to those of the road, endangering them and myself; don't want to live a battered, un-victorious life.


I know I take alot for granted. When one reads the newspaper one understands, one sees....The rice we eat, with the variety of dishes ; the roof over my head, and one that is more than comfortable; the luxury of connection to the world, internet, phones...


Help me to be the somebody that You want me to be, that You see already in Your eyes. And not by my own, coz' I can't do it. How I don't know , but I'm leaving that to You. Let my life be nothing short of victorious. Teach me to see myself through Your eyes. Because when I even start comparing, I fall short. I will never, never be good enough.


But through Your grace. I asked You how You could love us. What is so lovable about us, and Your reply is You see Your Son's sacrifice when You see us. And You being the just and Holy one, had to pay the price somehow. I asked how much I'm worth to You, and Your reply is that for me alone, You would send Your Son. Help me not take all these for granted, help me live the life destined for me , even before I was born, even when I was already fashioned in Your mind before I was conceived.


Make this life count in Your eyes, even if not in others. If tomorrow never comes, I wish, I only wish I have left no regrets...I wish that I have done my best to love and serve the ones who comes my way.


Time: 2.06 am

Reminded...


That the world is but temporary. Passer-by's, we are. But to be the best we can be. That it doesn't matter if out lives ended tomorrow.. Its the legacy we leave behind. The little sprinkles of dust we leave behind.


A conversation with a friend...


"the joanne i used to know for me.. memang tak ada self confidence one. not that high la
but always had confidence in God..
and he would guide you through it all.."



Abba Father guide my every step. I'm giving myself up...entirely to You alone.