IN A WEEK!!!

In a week's time, I'll have finished my finals, the exit viva. Which means I have barely 5 days left. What have I done? A little of this and that. Am I ready? I'm not sure. I'm scared. Freaked out. Panicking! >< >< ><

The tale of an unwanted medical student

Happy 2013! First post of the year. I know,I know, i've been procrastinating.

Typing from the labour room,where I'm supposed to be for the week. Currently, things are peaceful.

Tried to post this status 3 times on facebook but always jammed.. 'when life hands you lemons,sometimes all 1 can do is to bite it down, swallow the bitterness and sourness,and look ahead,move on.' It really is not easy, especially when yr not the one who is in the wrong..just trying to help,to do your job.

At times life really makes no sense. I mean,din't you hear about how an 'educated' lady humiliated someone half her age with comparisons to...animals?

But back to the 'story',sometimes you really feel as if you don't matter in this world. Maybe to the one or two,and your family...but if not you are nobody..until you invent the iphone or something.

Just a ranting post. There have,and will be better times ahead. After all,2013 is the year of promises and favour.

As the 3 idiots will say.. " All is well". . . Truly I will trust God and be still in Him... All is well.

A legend

The man himself, Professor Emeritus Dr Alex Delilkan 

For the past 2 weeks, I was fortunate enough to meet a legend of the country, Professor Emeritus Dr Alex Delilkan. He's a former national cricket player who captained the country to many many victories, and also the anaesthesiology  professor from UM and also a visiting professor in my uni for many, many years now.

I sat through 2 Wednesdays with him, which reminds me alot of "Tuesdays with Morrie". The reason being these old gentleman have lots of stories and lots of wisdom to share, if you would only listen.  He was opinionated about so many things, from the political situation in this country all the way to the twinning programs of universities (haha, my uni for instance). The thing that struck m the most was how such a knowledgeable man like him could be so down to earth, and how he...wasn't rich :P

His constant joke (until it kinda got stale) was that he was so poor he had to eat mee goreng kosong coz uni's don't pay him enough. And yet what I found amazing about this guy was that he lives on his means, doesn't complain, and still works...at the age of 78!!(if I remember correctly) At this age most people are either old and sitting at home just watching the grandkids or rotting away... :O

A bunch of thoughts

A month later (wait, make that 2) and yes, I'm back with an emo post.

Ah! Life. Don't get me wrong...God has been really good and has blessed me so, so much. He blessed me with a dinner with my loved ones at the luxurious Ben's at Publika noy just once but twice; and another trip to singapore with free accommodation and 2 A Reserve tickets to watch Wicked the musical, which is admitedly, really good. Despite the hickups... God is and always has been good.

Just finished my clinical exam for medicine today. And make no mistake, when the lecturer said "I think you did well" (which somewhat mirrored the exam the last time), I'm really not sure if she was just trying to placade me. Because when I looked back, there were really things that I din't know and din't answer correctly. Made me realise, yet again, how woefully little I know in medicine!

Again, its the time of the semester when everyone is scrambling to change groupings. Perhaps due to my OCD-ness, I always find it hard to adjust to new environment. I secretly (and maybe not so secretly) think I have prolonged adjustment disorder each time. I can't help but feeling stressed in a "new environment",despite it being the same 100 (rotating) batchmates. It really is hard for me get used to a new place/people, and when I finally settle down...Things move on again. Way too fast for my liking :(
Its time like this when I really miss my best buds, esp the one in Leeds uni. I remember how we used to be inseparable, and I imagine that if she is here, we will probably be inseparable. We'll probably push each other to talk to patients etc, which probably will be better for each other :P She'll probably layan my lame jokes and antics, we'll probably sushi every other day. Nah, I kid. (Sushi is expensive!!!)

But yes. Its not that I'm not happy with my life. In fact, I have no reason to be, God has blessed me so. Perhaps, me, just like many others are falling into the trap of evying others life, or thinking "what if". But if you watch grey's anatomy a few episodes ago, they say that things would ultimately have played out the same way. Perhaps its true, coz nothing that happens is "incidental"; it is all permitted, crafted by God. And eventhough I may not see the plan at the moment, God can already see the end...

So yeah. Maybe I just need to sort out my feelings. Of the past and the present, because the past cannot be reproduced, and the present is ahead and holds much at stake. The memories of the past should serve more to brighten my dark days, not make me feel emo and longing. (Although, like I said, its hard for me to "move on". I am perhaps moving with the flow while subconciously trying to fight it.) The memories that I shared with the people I love and cherish evermore need to always be stored in that precious little corner of my brain, while I trudge on bravely. And may I remind myself, that I am never, ever alone( although many a time I may feel so).

Nowadays I find myself wondering many many times why I chose medicine. I'm not the only one. Discussing it during skype one day, my bestie and I agreed that if time were to be turned back, we would still have made the choice we made. How stupid right? To fight with the 7802560602589568263 people whom blindly choose medicine not knowing the amount of sacrifice, the amount of sweat, tears and heartache, and the somewhat bleak future for the medical profession that is slowly losing its prestige. To be one of the small fry that does all the work with a "glamourous"( actually, the lowest ranking, lower than amoeba in the food chain) name; to battle the workload and mounting pressure and if more serious, depression. To have more dark days than good, and not being sure what there is to look forward to. Call me a pessimist, but if you, like me are purely average(or less than that), you know that life is hard as you compete with the thousands and millions of braniacs who have chosen the same profession as you.

But as I pour out my frustrations, I am reminded by a loved and honoured person in my life, that my life is in God's hands. Promotion, whether fair or not. Welfare. Future. And more. God has and will pull me through the darkest days of my life. Because though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. And I always, always need to remind myself that the constant in this life is not death or tax (you have conquered them all), but You. That one day I can look forward to resting in Your house, and celebrating with You forevermore.

When the music fades, all is stripped away, and I simply come. Longing just to bring, something, something thats of worth, that will bless  your heart. 

Saw many of my juniors prom photos. Ah, those were the times. I love them (Still) and miss them so much. But I think that they have moved on in life. I miss hanging out with them, sharing each other's life story; I miss making them brush each others teeth while singing "old McDonalds  had a farm" with foam flowing from their mouths. I miss being the "guinea pig" while they made me up for my prom, trying on diff shoes , different shades of makeup. I miss all the lunches and the library hangouts, I miss talking about everything under the sun.

Not that I love my current housemates any less. When the Seremban chapter is over and done with, I know I'll also miss them, since people are moving away and nothing is confirmed. When everyone is in different places doing housemanship. But I'll always remember and miss most the time and the energy, and the heart invested into different people's lives.

And although I don't know how they are doing, they seem to be doing just fine. And even if they may(or have) forgotten me and that I am no longer a part of their lives, if there is one thing I want them to know is that I love them and will always miss them, and they have been an amazing part of my life where I wouldn't trade them for anyone else.

target1

Father God,

rain down Your peace and just presence, breathe in me. Sustain me through each day Abba Father, help me take 1 thing at a time, 1 day at a time.

Target today:
5 case summaries,
1 chapter apleys
1 psychiatry topic

Empathy

Hello blog, you;ve been dormant for some  time now, no thanks to me.

Anyway, I'm done with paeds, now in orthopaedics. I thought it would be utterly boring...but to be fair its not. there are days where lectures each take 2 hrs(which is horrible, my attention span is super short)..but they managed to get a few lecturers that truly inspire.

And you know what inspires? Its the fact that they go the extra mile, turning down locum to do voluntary work, out of the word "Empathy".

Which is what most doctors lack nowadays. And just looking back, if all the doctors, cut that , even half of the doctors nowadays can do that, can pay a lil more attention to the patient instead of discharging themselves - our standard of care would Definitely improve.

And most politicians dont care. Well, unless they use the government hosptitals, which they have no need to. Private all the way. Notice how the top people are Always(or almost always ) warded at private hospitals? the Beach hospitals(translate to the national language) and other big branches... and hospitals continue to be a place to just "Save" lives but not necessarily increasing level of care and most definitely(in most cases) disregarde the quality of life of the patients.

Apart from that...6 months ady :D haha.

and sem 7 is towards the 2nd part, which is scary/dangerous. means exam coming, must practice, study etc etc etc... God help me that one day I become a doctor that cares, 1 that tries to go the extra mile and one with knowledge, competence and confidence.

Of little children and exams

Of little children and exams

Exams soon, havn't studied. Little children are adorable...until they cry. Luckily the toy a friend gave me seems to come in really really handy. :)


This week, help me to look to You and be more like You :)

19 th Jan 11

Today was a good day.

SOPD (Surgical Outpatient Department) we had about 8 cases or so, and all were pretty interesting. It was a wide variety of stuff where you finally go "ooh, yeah I know bout this!" in a day. And I was happily flipping through past Ultrasound scans of normal and pathological images of kidneys, bladders, prostate... falalalala

Then had MacD for lunch - I probably wouldn't go back there in a long time...everything has shrunken in size. not worth the money d lah >:( ...then went and got SHOES!!! :D something that I like, and at a cheap aka reasonable price I would pay for. Makes the pair of shoes I bought last Sat (a few days ago) look ex(pensive) lah. But cant un-buy the first...so whatever lah! :D

Then had suturing class. Loved it - it rocks! Suturing on chicken skin with surgical stuff...haha love the feel :D 

Went for badminton but was pretty much tired out at the end of the day. Ah well, a day well spent :) 

Till next time

Aliaa

As I walked by Kenny Rodgers @ Seremban Jusco yesterday, I saw a girl that resembled closely(coz im really not sure) a patient who had been hospitalized for close to 1 month. She came in pretty sick, and slowly became better over the next few weeks, before she was discharged. 

That girl was eating, with her friends.

And suddenly I wondered how all "my" patients are doing. For all the time they stay in the hospital, all the time we painstakingly "stalk" their every history and do invasive investigations... our motive was, and will always be just to get them to get better, to be able to lead normal lives outside. 

...And maybe that's why I live. 

Sem 2's Survivor's story

This is dedicated to my beloved sem 2 friends (and juniors, which in this case is apt).


"Once upon a time, there was this girl who was wanted to "be a doctor". She was just fresh from college, raring to do medicine. She happily enrolled herself in none other than IMU.

Semester 1 came and went, with herself barely studying. The last 3 weeks before exams she "played slides" everyday. Summative 1 came. She passed...but barely.

Semester 2 commenced. She resolved to STUDY her ass off. Didn't even join orientation - only did first aid for the juniors. Studies? Oh, stress levels were high...probably synonymous to the pressure cooker enough to cook a huge chicken. He memory was somewhat like "Touch and go" - study and forget. Or rather, study and remember for 293seconds, then forget.

Believe me, it was one of the most stressful and painful periods of her life. All around her people asked each other simple questions - like "name me 3 features of the large intestine". and her mind will go blank, she'll panic. worst still, she was studying "randomly" - din't even know things in the study guide (wait, there was a study guide? :O )

She crashed. So. so many times. Tears, dark eye circles like nobody's business, zombie-ing days, no difference between nights and days... the routine was stare at notes / fall asleep / stare at notes/ go to toilet with notes... with no avail. (Since nothing was retained in the mind.). The fear of failure naturally loomed at the back of her mind, haunting her every thought and action...

So yes. that was the 3 month nitemare( or somewhere there). to cut the long story short, her friends ( a few of them) were her solidarity, who supported her through the whole "ordeal". The "library gang" would encourage each other, have dinner together from all the godness-knows-how-healthy-roadside-food and then continue studying till the Indian aunty will knock the cup rhythmically calling out "library closing! library closing!!!" ...

The exam came, and the exam went.


And she passed. Not by herself - by the grace of her God ; and also because of her amazing friends who were amazing enough to share and care unselfishly - not just knowledge but the social support of just being there for each other. The sincerity when one genuinely goes "oi you BETTER study" instead of "don't worry, i din't study also" which obviously would be a lie.  "

Hope. Faith. Love - Just hang on, finish strong!

I know I suck at writing. Bottom line is this - I've been there before, I know entirely how it feels. I'm the border line student who hangs on by bare thread thin line... I guess in the end, you just throw up your hands and go "I've done my best, this is it". As long as you know you've given it your all and you ever don't throw in the towel - to me that is success. Don't bother comparing with others - there will always be people better than you (and likewise, not as good). Do it for yourself, so that you can be proud of yourself. Do it for the hopes and aspirations of the future - your future patients deserve your time and dedication and hard work you put in now.

And don't lose sight of the whole picture - this is but temporary. Get through this and you will look back and ask yourself "How did I get through this!?" and remember it as a bittersweet moment. Of course, the 2 month holiday is a very good incentive to look forward to as well...

But ultimately ask yourself this question - Is it worth it? Because if it is, I'll give it my all, no holding back. 
And if you ask me, someone who has been through the crap of Phase 1 - it is definitely worth it.

There are better times ahead. Look forward to that.


Love,
a survivor
(Excuse her - she hasn't written essays for ages)

updates

Its been more than a week now. 2 weeks left in internal medicine. its the usual, day after day, day after day.

Venepuncture aka blood drawing? better. but still need lots and lots of practice. i think my practical skills are like that, which means im not a "naturally talented" person but have to work on it. most probably my driving would be like that too, if i have chance to practice.

arrrgh. but yeah blabbing. yesterday had CP(Case presentation). made a dumbass mistake.presented the case. said the patient had chickenpox more than 30 years ago. so the doctor asked "what virus causes chicken pox?" \

my mouth shot out "herpes simplex". gg man. i KNOW its varicella zoster but somehow maybe at the back of my mind i was thinking herpes zoster. either way, embarassing. herpes simplex is an std  -sexually transmitted disease. groans....

the doctor took it very nicely tho. aka no scolding. he reminded us (me?) of a few things - think before we speak, especially as doctors. and assume nothing.

got so much running in my head right now but I'm actually supposed to rest. PBL in bout 10-15 mins. I should really be more disciplined...

wake me up when september ends...?

It seems like eternity I've been here. And yet. And yet... I know I'm not entirely settled yet. Esp after going home for 2 days then coming back. The feeling is...not the best. Gotta adjust. Just like the times I just returned, I can't sleep properly, keep waking up throughout  the night.

Managed to draw blood. EASY ones. some poke patient's more than once and cause them pain, failed doctor :(  my hands shake like crazy even tho I don't want it to. so much for thinking of doing surgery. or maybe I just to give myself some time. I'm probably one of the worst and slowest students around. But I will try, and hopefully be the best I can...

Still can't but feel wee bit dejected. Seriously. Everyone has their own challenges some are "harder" than the rest? I don't know what  to say except that God, help me...

Internal Med

Internal Med

Actually like internal med. Then again, I expected I would like it. BUT, tbl's? different story.

Still much adjustment to be made. Still lost around wards (altho i do like it) but I would love to start doing procedures (like assisting in the ECG today, thanks to my nursing friend). So far cases I've seen have been pretty ok, really thank God for that. (I mean, I feel sorry for the patient. I'm just grateful I have the chance to see these patients to enhance my knowledge and experience).

Slowly my friends are leaving one by one. Ash leaves tonight, Sooky left already. Both UK pple. Now, our gang is complete here in s'ban, save for Sook. :'( But it's ok. Its not goodbye, I believe.

Learning to be generous and patient in dealing with life. By that I mean housemates / people etc. Learning to give and take, to smile and not take offences (compared to younger days?) and much much more. Learning humility and much much more.

Will update soonish. Have a safe flight Ash, you will be missed. Sook, I hope you're doing well there. Boring? we're crazy busy right now. But still miss you guys!

ps: during tbl today the patient's heart monitor sounds "tut...tut...tut..." sound was sorta "ringing" in my head. Does ward rounds do this to you?

Half baked potatoes aka convocation

Half baked potatoes aka convocation 

2.5 years of medical school, of pre-clinicals in IMU. Today we celebrated the end - We made it through phase one!!! But at the same time also it is a transition, and a tough one - taking up a huger responsibility as a student doctor, where lives of people are involved. 

101 feelings I felt today, sitting as a "graduate" of ME108 Phase 1 convocating class ... bittersweet mostly.  

Beloved parents + 2 of my besties Ash and Sooky :)

Will update more later with more photos and what nots. But I must tell you that I was really, really touched that my juniors namely Siew See, Ruby and Fida self assembled the bouquet of flowers + graduating bear you see in the picture and presented it to me!

Thank you all of you guys for making my 2.5 years memorable. I really love you guys, and will miss all of you...

9-10

The most difficult lecture of all in the whole of my life. Stomach was flipping over and over with distaste and slight nausea, the cortex was at its wits end keeping the limbic system in control.

The first sentence after the first section was like a dagger thrust into my heart...momentarily, my heart skipped a beat.

And that just went on practically the whole day...The mind couldn't help replaying over and over the words that pierced the heart...

gp posting

GP(General Practitioner) Posting Day 1 - My Side of the Story

I just read a friend's comment that "GP Posting is a waste of time" on fb. Aha. Whether it is, or it's not, its a necessary part of IMU's medical education curricular.

Caution: This is going to be a picture-less post.

11-15th Jan, I'm "attached" to a clinic near my place, Dr Leow's Clinic.

The pro's:

- Doing attachment with a good friend, Ash definitely is the best :) I couldn't have picked a better partner. Lunch was fun, chit chatting and just talking bout anything - friends, love, relationships, our doctor, and many other things under the sun :)

- The doctor is "cute" la. Aha. In Ash's words, very "grandfather" like. The way he answers the phone with a strained "hallow"; the "kambing" (what people call donkey he uses goats instead XD) and the bs's .

- We can come and leave ANYTIME. like the doctor said, we're "not critical to the clinic's practice" XD

The con's:

- Waking up early. Don't like Don't like Don't like!!!

- Standing. I mean , we could get a stool and sit la. but then the place is like so small and cramped. Aha. We stood from 9-12.45 today in the morning, then a lil' more in the noontime.

Miscellaneous:

Let me tell you more bout our GP doctor. Hahaha. Firstly, he's really really nice. He allows you to ask any question :) And then when a patient comes in, he assesses the patient from a "clinician" point of view, and hence , the diagnosis commonly is "stress" and "allergy / irritable bowel due to stress".

Its very amusing as well that when we came back after lunch, we heard chinese oldies tunes playing, presumably from his laptop. (This doc is a tech junkie... he uses the comp for EVERYTHING. and he still has his old pc's dating back to pentium II and older still...lol). the music is the ones that people can use to "excercise" or "practice qi gong/ kung fu" with. You can imagine Ash and I trying our very best to keep our laughter in while listening to the music..and imagining people "hu" *sword waves* "ha" *steady tai chi strokes* XD

Lets see how day 2 goes :)

Medical specialty?

Future medical specialty?

Was browsing through a friend's profile page on fb and stumbled across this - a medical specialty aptitude test. Its a 130 question (bout 15 min tes) that is free by the uni of Virginia. I agree that many of the questions are pretty repetitive. But it kinda corresponds to things I'm interested in. Some of it at least.

And the results :

RankSpecialty Score

1emergency med45

2infectious disease44

3hematology44

4radiology44

5physical med & rehabilitation43

6occupational med43

7aerospace med43

8general surgery43

9nephrology43

10dermatology43

11colon & rectal surgery42

12radiation oncology42

13med oncology42

14endocrinology42

15pediatrics42

16urology42

17thoracic surgery42

18pathology41

19plastic surgery41

20orthopaedic surgery41

21ophthalmology41

22obstetrics/gynecology41

23rheumatology41

24pulmonology40

25allergy & immunology40

26general internal med40

27anesthesiology39

28cardiology39

29neurosurgery39

30otolaryngology39

31psychiatry38

32preventive med38

33nuclear med38

34neurology38

35gastroenterology37

36family practice37

Haha. Emergency med is something that I'm interested in, but we shall see. Even infectious med. But must think of the big picture - family, own capability etc. Aerospace med?(whats that??) and physical med and rehab doesnt sound like my cup of tea... I see alot of "surgery" and "gy's" (radioloGY, hematoloGY etc) in there... but I think I can only really decide after I've experienced the postings for myself. For now...I'm entering sem 5, the last of my phase 1 medical studies. After that its off to posting, or clinical studies... Not sure if I'm entirely ready, but I guess I will have to be...