The unspeakable

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9-10

The most difficult lecture of all in the whole of my life. Stomach was flipping over and over with distaste and slight nausea, the cortex was at its wits end keeping the limbic system in control.

The first sentence after the first section was like a dagger thrust into my heart...momentarily, my heart skipped a beat.

And that just went on practically the whole day...The mind couldn't help replaying over and over the words that pierced the heart...

Musings

*whistles*

its nearly the end of sem 5, and yet heavy lectures are dominating the day, along with multiple csu practices and of course, not-so-productive studying. I really feel like I remember nothing :/ which is REALLY REALLY B-A-DDDD       D:

I wrote something yesterday that I momentarily felt "bangga".... :P and it goes like this:

"Don't let what you can't do affect what you CAN do" - 

in relations to things we can/ cannot control. oh, now its copyrighted...by me :)


...7 days to summatives :s

Flavours

I feel like blogging.

I felt like blogging all day.

Sitting in the library with the packets of Limau Ais and later Teh-O-Ais-Limau which is most satisfying...cold and sweet .


It was a random day, with the many flavours of life kicking in.

Various flavours brought about by friendship. The way it spices up one's life. The way the sweetness kicks in and gives one hyperglycaemia - you don't even need chocolate! The indescribable feeling after talking to a trusted friend bout an assortment of topics that leaves you just feeling blessed that you have friends,and those who care for that matter. Many, many of them who just add flavour in my life just like salt does - you can't do without it in your dishes!

Happy (belated) 22th Angeline :) Go Coffee girl :)

Sem 5 doesn't mean you forget your friends. On the contrary, you celebrate them...with the most random stuff such as coffee. Well...what to do if coffee defines you?  :P

The 2 gems in my life :)

Whoots to the one on my left and right. Both beautiful ladies in their own accord, with their beauty radiating from inside to out. Its no wonder its so warm even in freezing cold IMU. ;)

Fifi!!! :) :) :) Young, hawt, smart...and single ;)

I sure gonna hear complains bout this. Can feel it coming already... 

This is one heck of a power woman in my life as well. President of 2 clubs, go ask her :) recently was also promoted in a real IMU club. Whoots I tell u! :) Proud of her. And each and every one of my friends for their little achievements :)

Somehow I feel incapable of pouring out my heartfelt emotions today...

Finally Updated

Warning: long post ahead. Not worth wasting time over.

Have been meaning to blog for some time now, but as I can see from the co13ra blog, my last update was more than 2 weeks ago.

Am at the “I’m not sure what to write” stage. I mean yeah, there are things I wanna blog about, but I’m not sure how I could ever write it out, express it in a way I want it to.

Lets start with something light then. I got a haircut. Which is nothing out of the norm, except that this time, everyone noticed (compared to the every time last few years). =.= reason being my fringe is short this time…Really short. Got various comments, from ok…to nice / modern to punk /rockstar and the most “cute” one…like little girl. Hahaha. Not sure how I’m supposed to react to this one. :P

MSK has officially been not very kind to me. I’m still bout 9 or so notes away from the completion of the system. The same goes for GI and Renal system. Talk bout discipline. Time REALLY flies when one is REALLY reading notes. Oh, it flies just as fast when I chill/ facebook/ daydream. Lolz

Library was relatively quiet today. Not so empty, but quieter. The library sound machine took a break I guess? Haha. Fell asleep on the muscles notes by SMM. Dislike. Thought I’ll be fine after that, but who knows I still fell asleep in front of the Dean during pbl (He’s the faci). Geez. Talk bout my body NOT being cooperative. Thank God I wasn’t embarrassed / he din’t make it embarrassing for me. For that I am thankful. Even lecture this morning despite it being one hour I still zoned out and went fishing =.=

Many people have noticed that I was not my usual self for the past I’m not sure how long. I know I held it in a lot. Many issues and thoughts on my mind, ranging from studies and more were just playing back in my mind like an mp3 set on repeat on. At first I din’t try to hide it, but then last week I decided that I’m gonna smile irregardless. Which apparently didn’t work as I’m an open book. My mother always tells me I’m super transparent in the sense I can’t mask my true feelings inside. What to do? I’m always true to myself. Although I wish I were a better actor :/

I’m not sure if I can bring myself to speak of some of the issues badgering me. But it actually took a part of me, so to speak. Not just once, not just twice, but thrice if I’m not mistaken did it even manifest in my dreams, for me to wake up and realize that it was but a dream. Apparently people usually don’t remember dreams unless its vivid or it means something to the person…I can remember mine.

Despite it being a decision I made knowing full well the aftermath, I still struggled. And I still do struggle deep inside. The many times I swallowed it in, consoled myself… the many times I told myself that the decision can’t be undone and is for the sake of not merely myself, but for a reason. The fact that it will affect others as well, and that’s the least I can do to not be selfish.

There are also certain soft spots, as I call it. Some were receptive enough to pick it up, and ingeniously “provoked” me into speaking it out. Albeit the scene wasn’t pretty, it was marred with much… I shall not continue to elaborate.

People have always been one of the biggest motivations I live for. Despite the fact that it is true the world has many types of people, and I daresay more superficial people than not who judge you by first impression…but I have always made it a point for me to try my best to not be that. To not judge for it is not my position to do so, but merely to love the person(s), and let that person know him or her holds a special place in this world and in the people’s hearts around him or her. For that reason I’ve always involved myself in activities that would allow me to know more people that I may touch their lives…knowing that on the way it somewhat destroys myself as the unbearable thought of parting never leaves my mind.

For that reason I’ve been wondering sometimes if I made the right choice. To know some awesome people knowing that I’ll end up being part of them but having to part later on. But for me, it was never a wrong choice. It was always a matter of how I would deal with it, that’s all. Some people always say why bother? You know you’re gonna have to leave, its all temporary. Perhaps, I say, perhaps. I know I may not be significant, but with that little bit that I am, I truly hope I made a little bit of a difference, by getting to know them, but joining in because the best way to love someone is to participate and be yourself + bring whatever one has to the table. Not that I want much…I just want them all to know that they will always have each other (and me, who will always be there, just not physically like before)…and that the friends who care for you and is a friend indeed is worth keeping and fighting for.

How much do you mean to me? I’ll answer this way - I would be honoured to lay down my life for each and every one of you. That’s how much you mean to me.

I’ll always be reminiscing the many (and countless) good times – the times messing around at the piano, just talking “nonsense” with each other, sharing our good / bad moments, sharing each other’s joy/ sorrow. Viva. Makan times. Walking along the escalator or in the lifts. Arguing whose the best _______(insert own argument here). Planning for the most random things such as ball make up etc. The calling of names that makes no sense. (Seriously…mangkuk? :O ) ; The joanne-athon times that had the sun shining down unmercifully on us. Tie days. Yelling out our cheer(s) like nobody else is present there. Singing on the bus / in the car with out out-of-tune voices. The many many pointless messages. The celebration of each others birthdays. And the list will only grow longer. :)

I’m not sure I can ever be fully prepared. Its just like entering into a new semester each time – you anticipate, you think you know what to expect…but you never fully comprehend it until you’re really properly there. I saw something that a good friend of mine, Dip posted on his facebook status last night – “Everybody’s afraid. The one who says otherwise is either a liar, or dead.” And frankly, though like many, I’ll never say it out loud – yes I am afraid. For I do not see what the future holds in front of me. I can’t see past the week; I can’t see past the night even. But its gonna be faith that leads me to trudge on. And love, because perfect love casts out fear. I’m just gonna take what I have, and whom I am, and walk straight ahead. And remember that there’re always gonna be another mountain, but I’m always gonna wanna make it move. And the fact that I’m never alone. Never ever.  Irregardless of what I feel or think.

…The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is still there. Fingers crossed. :/

Yeah, you thought right, this post took me an hour. And I hope none of you made it this far (I know people’s dislike towards long texts, which I’m hoping to catalyze upon to not read this post :D ). Random stuff: Nervous system module has 38 notes. I’m only done with what, 1 ? I havn’t ran for 2 weeks now. I’m wondering if I should. I borrowed 3 books from the library, in hope that it will aid me in my understanding of nervous system. We shall see. I lost my comb. Again :/ the thing I lose the most is my comb. How many combs I buy in a year all go missing. Its just that force that seems to want us apart…like how water is not soluble in lipid and vice versa :/ which isn’t aided by the fact that I prefer using my own comb over others, anytime.

On a colourful note, I (apparently) was the first non-indian (in IMU) to help out with the kolam decoration for the ICS Chithirai Puthandu(Tamil new year)  and Vaisakhi Celebration. It was a colourfully-messy business, with my hands to my fingernails soiled with orange and red buncho colour *runs around in glee chasing mangkuk* Haha but yeah. Sobana is a fantastic designer. Oh, and Shane helped out too! Like I like to put it - I'm colour blind :) So I yeah. Ironic huh :P 
But it was definitely a fun experience. Given my love for colours and arts and crafts :D

A whole load of jumbled up stuff

A whole load of jumbled up stuff 

Am feeling so dead tired at the moment. Nervous system is seriously sucking the life outa me. Not that I don't find it interesting...I do. but the lectures are all so so dense. On top of that, I'm 5 weeks to summatives and I'm not even touching MSK. Still got +- 8 notes in GI and renal just started off very slowly. I 'm NOT thrilled. 

Today I officially was relieved of my duties from Hydra House as its first secretary along with another super responsible and enthusiastic friend, Sook Yee. I'm glad that both of us managed to carry out our jobs well (I hope , at least). It was quite a bit of work initially, admittedly. And during the house cup, I had darts to worry about, and it took up a HUGE chunk of my time. I highly doubt I'll be doing it if I were in semester 5. I wish the new committee nothing but the best. But from the looks of it, it should be a good team and a good year ahead for Hydra. 

Hospital visit yesterday was...ok I guess. We met a patient with A HOST of problems. Its like whatever we ask he'll have positive "signs" (this pain that pain). but he was 81 years old, and an active sportsmen. When we asked him to bend down and touch his toes (as part of the Physical examination of the spine) , he said "1, 2, 3,4, 5, 6 you all challenge me? " in a joking tone...and bent down ALL THE WAY to touch the ground with ease. LEGS STRAIGHT. we were stunned. Later on when we tried ourselves we were not able to do it, and on top of that, was complaining of pain :P shame on us young people? 

At the same time, it was the 2nd time this semester going for hospital visit and having to stand for long hours. I really don't know how I'm to survive clinical school, especially the long hours standing and the early hours waking and late hours sleeping. Beats me. I often wonder how people do it...

And time and again I'm reminded by various things on how little time I have left in IMU BJ. Random friends status updates; the relieving of duties from the house; seeing my semester 1 juniors starting to study and semester 2 and 3 juniors studying hard...Many many things just trigger this thought and I can't help but sink into a basin of pensiveness. At least for a while. How have I done? Have I made a fool of myself? Have I hurt  more other's feelings more than I have made another happy? 

No one is indispensable, that I know. I don't expect people to remember me once I've left, but if there's one thing I hope I did, I hope I made someone feel that they are loved, no strings attached. I hope I did something that cheered up someone's day. I hope I was never stingy with hugs or time for any other friend. I hope I gave them reason to see why they are beautiful , special ,and one of a kind.

I am falling asleep. As usual , I sleep way before I want to. Today was not so productive. Tomorrow got pbl (research not done yet), and going for a run. That I'm looking forward to somehow. 

It pains me to see you this way

It pains me to see you this way

...It does. Because I understand. Somehow I do understand beneath the iron-face mask (albeit now with a dent), is a person wanting love and care just like the rest of the people on the streets. But for the promises we make...And I for one am a person who keeps her promises, so I understand the magnitude of the burden you're carrying. 

But you're never alone. There are us who will always wait for you, with our arms wide; lame jokes ready, "pot of gold" waiting. :) 

Hugs :)

Hugs :)


I had wanted to blog for a few days already, but somehow din't manage to get down to it. Procrastination, report, notes, surfing the net...you get the hang of it :/


Tomorrow going running again. 4km. at least 6 people are running. Since I din't run last week, I hope I din't "lost steam" and stop running...Hahaha.


Was really really stressed out last week. Report took up a week by itself (to realize later it was worth only 1%...not worth it! >< ) ; studies were sidelined, there was much to do, nothing was settled... 


Even now there is still some stuff to be settled. Of course, prom stuff (Prom coming up this Saturday)...and Official House Meeting to be done next week, and of course top on the list is studies... I think I'm missing out something tho :/


On a "cute" note, Co13ra gurls had its "tie day". Although my tie not that obvious :P

Who said only men can wear ties and look nice in it? :D

Chui ling (master planner), SiewSee (Big mama), Shin yi (love expert), Fida (super hot beautiful :P), Yeeling (yeeling+ jit tong = yee thong)




Today, Fida, SiewSee and I went shopping for my prom shoes. What would I do without those 2 girls. :'). You guys make me feel so... I dunno la :P I wouldn't care so much bout prom if not for you girls ;) And I really appreciate it =)

 Fida :) She was trying to hide from the picture :P Not so simple la my dear

Big Mama! Tom yam soup. Cilli padi. ssssssssss JINN HOT! (in jit tong's words. :P) 

This was my BBQ bucket chicken rice. It was pretty ok =) (then again, IMU food sucks. So this is like way way WAY  better)

Up close. It came with ice lemon tea + 2 thin slices of watermelon too

CILLI PEDAS!!! Hahaha, I was amazed at the way SiewSee could still keep a straight face and talk and all when she terkena cili padi. SALUTE! :)


It was overall a fun trip. But I wish we din't have time constraints...then I could have let loose much more. But I really appreciated their company. Most importantly...I FOUND MY SHOES!!! hahaha :) :) :)


_________________________________________


Now, you might ask me why I entitled this post as hugs. Or maybe u won't :P


I remember during super viva, one of the questions posed were if you only had a day left on earth , what would you do? I replied that I wanna meet all the people that I sayang, from in the country and afar, and give them a big hug and tell them how much they meant to me and how much they have made the world a better place just by being in it. 


And before I leave the library everyday(nearly everyday), I try to give the people around me hugs :) Nothing big /expensive. Just a lil something to tell them I love them and care for them, and that they mean the world to me. 

These days, they(some of them) see me and go: "free hugs". hahaha. They'll come up to me and give me a hug when they see me (or even when they leave or I move to leave). And the last week, when I least felt like hugging people, I think its one of the things that kept me sane in the chaos - the hugs they freely offered. And I don't know why =)


ps: I don't even know if anyone reads this place anymore :( make some noise yo - leave a comment or something.