This is gonna be an emo post. You have been warned.
Went to the bank just now to close my "kiddie" account (valid up to 18 years old, and I am wayyyyy past that ) and to open a new "adult" account. won't go into the details... but to me I would describe it as messy. The amount of personal details they need ... even where I study ,the location and my student ID they took to photostate. Not just filling in forms, its filling dunno so many mafan stuffs. Seriously. My first taste of growing up? Yeah , my dad was there. I could do it alone, but I have a feeling i would seem very dumb and possibly be kicked around / fooled by unknown people. The setting was just...beastly. Sorry no offence for those who are / aspire to work in a bank, but the place to me is just horrid. I'm happy with the hospital. I guess.
Or am I not? As in, ready. Am I ready to face the challenges ahead? Watching the semester 5 collecting their pms (partner medical school) matching results, watching the various reactions - I am reminded that I day I will have to go through that day....that is assuming I pass all my End Of Semester (EOS) exams. The major 1, EOS 2 is in November. And this is the 1 with very high failure rate. Last year 40+, this year 49. So my batch...? I don't wanna be one of the casualties. :(
And all of a sudden, I don't feel ready. The idea of residing in a foreign land - even for study seems too big, too freaky, too foreign to me at the moment. I dunno. I feel...I feel inadequate. I feel small. I feel so grossly unprepared. I feel not ready. I dunno if I can survive...can I?
Ok, talking about reality. Now. I just feel so....so, not ready. Even for summative 1 ,in approximately 20 days. There is lot to study, and whe I study, seems like nothing is entering my head. I enjoy(to a certain extent), but still...I dunno. Maybe I'm pms-ing now. But shouldn't be. Long time more, not now. Wrong timing. I just feel so tired. Mentally. A lil frusrated maybe. And some dissapointment. I know I'm not a genius. I din't even make it to MENSA. I know that even if JPA gave scholarships to 45% non bumi's in my year (compared to the past 10% for non bumi's in my year till last year), my results still would not qualify. I'm not, never have been, the creme la creme. The only reason I'm in IMU now is coz of grace.
Maybe, just maybe....
A single bank trip lead to this cascade of thoughts, feelings. Long overdue, perhaps. At times I feel like I'm standing in the midst of the ocean, with waves crashing over me, the waves washing' coming' washing... And even when there is no waves, the cold air stings the face, as if taunting the unprepared and vulnerable + fragile heart...
I feel numb. Or do I not?
I'm not sure how to give an appropriate conclusion. I really don't. Wait and see? Maybe I will. Wait and see.