Sitting in the library, blogging instead of studying. A million and one thoughts running through my mind.
I know I need to be more than this. But...
Standing alone, stiffling the hiccups that come between sobs... Even so many people thought I was "emo". How ironic.
Sometimes I wistfully wonder if life could be any different. Super brain, model attitude, happy go lucky, pure and innocent heart. I wish
If I could get tomorrows newspaper today. What would I do. Would I do it to benefit myself, or others. Would I go out of my way for others.
And the bz-ness doesnt help. Plus sickness, terrible cough and runny nose, fatique. Seriously hope its not a reoccuring sickness that was lying dormant.
Hospital visit, saw the extremeties. Birth, sickness, death. Saw the bathing of a deceased old man. Frail, skin and bones. Bodies in mortuary. Accident cases, HIV biohazards, etc. Life ends in a box?
The little babies under UV light, jaundice babies. From outside, saw a caesarian of an expecting mum. The joy later. (and the heartache a child brings along, too). chance to hold a baby, less than 10 hours old. Small, less than 2kg. The amazement, the fragility of a life. Much ahead for that little fellow.
Studies. Struggles. less than a note a day. I don't wanna go on anymore. Sniff. I know nothing is easy. Still. Reclusing seems what I'm doing. Sink into own blackhole.
Miss the warmth, the hugs, the presence. The reassurance, real reassurance that its gonna be ok. Feel so so far away. Miss the smile , the cargo pants, the same-colour-shirt days. Miss the hand running through my hair, the arms around my neck. The times spent. Baking, cooking, hang-kaing. The antiques that can send ripples of giggles , burst of laughter.
Its gonna be just a day right? These feelings are gonna go away right? Keep ploding on, one step, another, and another