Saturday, October 13, 2007


I actually have no idea whats gonna happen in the next year, and I mean education at that. The whole path seems so unclear... and as I struggle with studies repeatedly, my mind just questions myself again...what am I meant to do? Is there something , a part I am missing?

Is like, hey, I think this is the path, and suddenly a blow will just come, making me rethink again. Fear, doubt all clouding my mind at the present...

God I know You said "Be anxious for nothing, but everything through prayer and supplication"...and You said everything. My leader/mentor kept telling me, no one knows the future, its all in God's hands...and You said be anxious for NOTHING. Its hard not to worry God. It really is. And when I look ahead, I don't see an opening.

Or do You want me to cross the bridge when I come to it? Each time I have a "light" chat with my brother( The one who is super smart), it really pressures me...He's the one with the brains, not me...and yet he can joke "why not you open up me head and take out my brains?"

That leads me to the newspaper article I read this morning...about a couple in India(both are doctors) who tried to make their elder son means of blood transfusion from their younger son. A "guru" supposedly appeared to them in a dream and told them that their elder son would be smarter this way. Don't worry, I did not make this news up. Its in the news straits times. The result? Theirs youngest son dead (somehow), they are detained for questioning...and the elder son is fighting for his life somewhere in a hospital. So much for being stupid.

I really don't know what happens next God, but I know that You are in control. Help me persevere in patience, for I know You are faithful beyond all words...Lead me through this valley to Your green pastures. I trust You and love You Abba Father. I know I risk my family seeing this, but suddenly it just doesn't matter any more. I just long to be with You and feel You touch me once again...refresh my heart, rejuvenate my soul.

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