And again I'm gonna say, this is gonna be an emo post. So don't read.
I'm just tired. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. Spriritually. I sleep from 10pm-7am( I know I am a med student) but I'm still tired. Walking around ,enough fuel to go for the day , but no having any left over for important things like studying....in addition with stuff to do at home. Gets me really irritated, gets me real frusrated and today, a lil short tempered. Mentally. At times like this I really really really miss my close friends, coz its to them that I'm able to trust and open up. And sometimes, its not like I don't wanna share. But Its just that people don't ask. Don't care enough to ask. The bluntness and abruptness, the hi's and the byes...and it stops there. A few lame jokes maybe, but how many really care to look another in the eye, ask "hey how're you doing" and really mean it? As in,not as one is coming up the escalator and the other going down, yelling "how're you?"...and seriously, if I even had somethig I felt like sharing, my heart would be closed. Like, walk into the room where I'm alone, say hi, chat bout something and leave. Right.
But maybe its just me. Maybe just me being too sensitive. But at times, I really need the supporting shoulder to ask more than just academics. To understand that there is a soul under the lameness. To really sit down, listen, and just tell me that you care. To say more than "must study arrr". Maybe I'm asking too much. Maybe my expectation is too high. And maybe I'm dissapointed instead. But it all the more makes me miss the past...as much as I am and want to live in the present. I miss serving with my Taylor's buddies. My high school mates. Miss the times we were just open to each other, laughed at each other...and asked each other whether the other was alright, if we could do anything for the other. Here I feel alone. I feel like the place is so beastly, as if my feelings,me, it doesn't matter. Afterall, the world has enough other persons to carry on even if I'm not around. Guess I feel a lil lonely at times...there is no innerheart connection, most touch only the surface.
I talked alot about transition. To myself. Maybe I'm just "transitioning" from college to uni. But its 4 months already. Some things has changed, but not all. Fitting in? Maybe still not totally.
Maybe thats why I go from website to website, reading. Stare into space, at times become a bit slow aka blur. The reason I'm just more "weird" than my usual. And not putting on a mask, just that I leave my personal thoughts aside as I smile and encourage another, wanting another's care. And sometimes, ignoring a persons for no apparent reason. (I'm sorry). I know I sound childish, immature and all, but to me, it doesn't matter so much.
Or maybe it does.