The nut's confession

I'm not a nut.

Seriously, I'm not lame. I can walk =)

Had a balloon a few weeks ago,its still in my room. =) Comments range from "go prom", "smile", "pop"(so horrible right), "muacks" n more...its a mixture. For more information, check out my friendster photos at www.friendster.com/joanneleehm =) But hey guys( and gurls), I really love you all even if you managed or did not manage to grace (or mess up) my balloon.

Also went out with many many close friends lately, on different occasions. Took photos.Very expensive, but I love it tho. It will be lasting memories for life. College days, college friends. More than friends that touch and go, relationships thats will last. I know we had bout 4 months only, but to grow so close like brothers and sisters is indeed astounding. Thank you God for these awesome people you have placed in my life. Life has been an awesome journey with people whom I have come to know and love cross my path. Its more than I can stay, it just takes my breath away. =)

Then comes the more messy thing.Going prom. Means...have to get a dress. DRESS AR? Wei scary lar...Me in a dResS? Aww thats so not me! Eww how would I look. I promise you, I walked through (or screen-ed through) at least 20 shops. Walk in, less than a minute I walk out again. haha. And did not find something I am looking for. Something long, presentable, nice... I shall keep it right here. Not gonna disclose more than I have to.Secret! haha. Although I am 99% sure( I have not been proven wrong yet) that most can guess the colour I love and want. Well, to cut the otherwise looong story short, I am waiting for it. End of story.

Actually lots in my mind, but after the trials my brain has kinda disintegrated a little. Found out something though. I am complicated. Hard to go shopping with me. (Refer to above) BUT I'm still a girl. More than that, I am deeply loved, greatly blessed, and highly favoured. =)

Touching the heart

Was having lunch with a friend after mock maths trials,which started 7 am in the morning. (Crazy. The place was super dark and creepy at 6.20am.) We talked bout lots off stuff. It was a great time. He kept saying that he couldn't smile or laugh properly, although to me it sounded (and looked) fine. To him, a smile /laugh should come from the heart. Something I agree 100% with, which the world overlook and fail to do many a time.

(Guys listen up! I think this is really true! ) Then he mentioned that contrary to today's society that guys wanna touch girls everywhere, he believes in touching a girl's heart first. (heart melting... just kidding >< ) I replied that yeah, if what a guy wants is purely a girl's body and not the girl's inner beauty, honestly the girl could kick him of because the girl is better off without him. It is true that sometimes as girls we give in a little too much, and when we realize it, its a little too late.

And for myself, I look at a person's heart first. Not the looks,knowing that we as humans are imperfect. (Although I cross my fingers in hope that the person does not look like a frog prince before transformation (as in, not transformed into a prince charming yet). Assumptions made (According to all fairy tales) is that the frog prince, after transformation, will become prince charming.

But thats why we( guys and girls) need to know our identities and not go looking for it in another person. Its not right to expect a guy (or vice versa) to love you if you don't love yourself...because in a relationship it is two ways, and if one party gives and the other party only receives but has nothing to offer,the relationship wold surely fall apart. Ahem, views of the author represents solely her own and is not meant for any purposes, and hence don't sue me if you don't like this post. XD

He he in the end I doubt my friend could laugh/smile properly yet. (We were,after all ,in exam mode). But some things for sure, I left the table with a filled tummy, a pool of thoughts, the warmth of friendship, and not forgetting, a little sweat. (The place was not air conditioned, and I ter-makan the green chilies.(Okay thats a lie, I was too ambitious and thought I could finish my small dish of green chilies WITH seeds.) =p ) As usual, greedy me. *winks

Signing out for now. =)

Bits and Pieces

A few facts about my life now:

1. I will be going for coroboree...not alone.
2.I may be performing. Does that mean two dresses? Someone please help me out...?

I'm actually writing this although tomorrow is my maths mock test. Just came back from audition, yeah you read right , the coroboree audition. Initially was just there to support and cheer classmates on, but ended up I myself was on stage, singing Mariah Carey's "Through the Rain". I'm not sure whether I'll get through, but yeah what made me go up I don't know. Hehe

Have been thinking alot. About what, you ask. Well, about the world. About the nation. About the people around me. So yeah, what about it? Well, I ask myself,do I play a role in their lives. Do I impact them that their lives will not be the same without me? Sounds conceited to some, but all of us can't just be here for no reason, like what we learn in the Deontological Theory (Thank you Mr William for the awesome Moral classes), where existance precedes essence or something else I cant remember now.

Need to chiao for now. Got stuff to do, things to prepare and all. But hey, just to cheer myself ( and if you are reading this) up, we are loved, blessed, and high favoured. I'm serious. If you wanna know more, ask me. =)

I need you more than ever

Seriously, I need you more than ever. Sense of depression and plunging deeper every moment...Only you can help. I know things that are already done can't be reversed, but you cant turn things around,can you not? I wanna see the colours, the bright colours returning into my life, wanna go about more than I ever was before. I know you can...help me.I know you see my true potential,my true self,not just what I see.So,help me see things the way you do. The way you want me to. New day's here.3rd September,2007. Let it be a new day where we start afresh, where i learn to enjoy the sunlight that is gonna shine down today, where I lay down my burdens and worries. For good. And focus on you.

Yeah,think thats what I'm gonna do.

Nonsense

I'm not sure what to say, just sad,mad ,angry,annoyed, irritated, frustrated,anxious, worried and everything together in a all-in-1 package. For the umpteenth time I ask myself - why did I take SAM?

Was in maths tuition teacher's care when she talked bout moderation, how her students did well and all. Apparently if you're not ranked in your teacher's top 30%, your moderation will be very slight, while if you're at the bottom, your results are...practically...goners. I think some of my subjects I may be at the bottom...how lar wei? My maths, my chemistry, even my physics my English and biology! I am seriously not sure what kind of a TER i'm gonna get. My parents tell me its a pure waste(sending me to Taylors) if I don't get into medic school, and mum says I might as well go form 6 and whatever results I get I go and apply for public local university. Guess the question boils back again to this...am I not worth it? When I ponder, seriously, I feel my heart plunge. Into...a bottomless pit? Not because I compare with my other more well to do friends, but I wonder how much my life is worth( especially to my parents), how I never seem to be able to please them( let me specify here,its MY fault, not theirs), and ultimately, what I will become.

I'm sorry if you're reading this, because you have the option of getting out of this anytime,because this is, after all, the place I am (partially as I don't write everything) honest. No lies. Hold back quite a bit,but what I write is what I feel. I know I am neither born smart ( or else I won't be agonizing over my studies a lot of the time), nor hardworking, and I seriously am reaching my edge...I feel as if I'm standing on the cliff.

Don't know what to believe, don't know if I'll be ready come trials (even CT4 maths). I'm really struggling, between studies and giving up on stuff I really appreciate and love and more...

And God I'm crying out again,help me. Don't wanna sink further into this desperation and depression. You said trust You. I'm trying. Please do. Cause if You can't, no one can.

50 years ago

Happy Merdeka!

50 years ago at this time, our country achieved independence, from all the colonizers and unwanted people. And now, we are a "Free" nation, not under anyone's control.

I guess it would be hard for someone who did not go through hardship to throughly and fully understand the meaning of "Merdeka". I mean, more than half the nation wan not alive during the Japanese occupation, even during the declaration of "Merdeka" . But then again, who say we love Malaysia any less?

I was thinking why I wrote all this, and I think its because much has been said about the patriotism of youths today. Which explains about National Service, and the fact that our SPM (our O-levels ) Bahasa paper last year had an essay question on patriotism. With that question, is it really possible to gauge the "spirit of patriotism" in youngsters today?

Well, much has been said on Malaysia, be it politically to economically.I will not risk being the next Namewee by saying something offensive or rather, sensitive. For those who don't know, I do love my country, where I was born and grew up in.

So i guess its time to end this blog on a happier tone:
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY MALAYSIA, YOU HAVE COME THIS FAR, WE WISH AND PRAY YOU WILL CONTINUE TO ACHIEVE GREATER HEIGHTS IN THE COMING 50 YEARS! "

How EINSTEIN Arrived at E=MC2

http://www.stresscure.com/hrn/einstein.html

Check out this site. I stumbled upon it. Coming to think of it...Thank you Dan for whacking me each time I utter a negative word bout myself. I know I deserve it. Thanks Nick(and more) for encouraging me when I didn't feel at my best,when I felt I could not carry on cause I was worried bout one thing or another. To Rach, we WILL pass SAM with flying colours. You'll see. Cause we're not doing this alone nor by our own strength anymore. Thanks Pr Kenneth and Elder KY for always reminding me(us) that nothing is impossible...Thank you for encouraging me to dream. BIG.Thank you to the rest...Fel, CK, Pr Josephine, HE, Sarah F, CC and everyone else I lazy to mention...Thanks for walking this journey with me, encouraging, sustaining, (and rebuking as well, I know I need it many a time) me..I cant say enough but I really do appreciate it.

To that someone,maybe you're right. We should find a swimming pool, and...you know the rest =)

Yeah, I want to have that ATTITUDE and MINDSET that is set for success, for revolution. I will have the confidence, the courage. I will have the faith. I will believe in myself once again. Cause you never gave up on me. And I know even when I walk and see only my shadow, you have never left me. When my hands hold only books while others hold another's, you have never stopped holding mine. Before I knew it you loved me, and and this is for eternity...till everlasting. Thank you. I've now got a reason to smile, a real smile that shines through the tears. =)

Today

Not feeling at my best currently. Results stink, and you cant say Don't compare...coz TER IS about how well you did compared to others. I do, more than ocassionally, regret taking SAM.

Physics teacher was telling our class that only 2 people in our class had been "above average" all the while,and( surprisingly the class top isn't in it...there must be a mistake..) ,and hence our lecturer was worried bout our TER. FINE, I'm just worried. and depressed (at least, getting to be). I dunno what to say about myself, results getting worst by the minute . C-H-O-K-I-N-G! I shudder to think how my TER will be like at the end of the year!

Maths isn't getting any better. The more I look at it, the more I feel like uttering this statement: God, can I give up now? I know God is nice enough to send me friends willing to sacrifice their breaks for me, but as I cautioned my friend, I'm not the brightest person you could teach. People put in the same amount of effort and reap twice the results. Not complaining here, but just...just...I dunno. Who am I trying to kid here? Myself? Shudder to think what Commont Test 4 will be like. As it is, I'm completing questions WHILE looking at the answers. Not the best way to study, I know. But can someone teach me another more effective method? Sigh, I should have seen this coming...

Daren't think about my other subjects. Its just...not even "cukup makan". Study the coveted course? Open your eyes girl, be REALISTIC!

Still feeling lightheaded...cough should be getting better these few days(it HAS been more than a week, afterall). Da said I cant afford to get sick anymore, I have nothing to say, I guess.

Sometimes wish I could just start afresh, but somehow that isn't possible. What now? I'm not sure. Take things one step at a time?